Wave your vogueing arms in the air and pray to your Diane von Furstenberg mural over the hearth, because last night's Project Runway was the best episode in at least two seasons. The team challenges always please, but this one gave us meltdowns of high- school proportions. Join us as we mock everyone who deserves it.
Like a clever puma, the episode greets us warmly. Michael C. whines since none of the other designers lavished praised on him for his winning garment last challenge, and he can't quite pinpoint that it's because his dress sucked. So that's why. April bemoans her failed "diaper" ensemble, and Peach tries to comfort her. "I got your diaper," she says. Of course she didn't.
Out on the runway, Heidi orders everyone to shiver. "You'll be making a collection and working in two teams of six," she says, before choosing Michael Costello and, randomly, April to be team leaders. After they all divide up, it's clear one team is more prepped for greatness than the other.
Team 1: Michael Costello, Gretchen, Christopher. Andy, Ivy, AJ
Team 2: April, Mondo, Michael Drummond, Valerie, Casanova, Peach
Now, Valerie is a capable seamstress, and Michael Drummond and Mondo turn out passable frocks, but look at those teams. Gretchen and Andy and Christopher and Ivy? They're in the lead.
Michael Costello's team, which morphs into Tyrant Gretchen's Slave Factory in a matter of moments, calls itself Team Luxe and chooses "camel" and "menswear" as its through-line. What a foolproof plan. Everyone wants to see a tuxedo shirt rendered in beige. Just ask the city of Milan. Donatella is phoning Miuccia on a phone made from human fingers and asking for 500 beige tuxedo shirts. Right now. For real, Movieline exclusive.
The other team, the simpering bunch of milquetoasts they are, sheepishly decide on "lace" and "military" for their collection. This strikes me as a decent idea because at least the color story has room to expand there. Unfortunately Peach gets lost when her teammates contrive crazy ideas about "sewing correctly," and April begins planning to weep for 24 hours straight starting right then.
But who cares about that team -- back on Team Luxe, Gretchen is wearing an iron mask, delegating tasks like an evil assembly foreman, and cackling, "I can't believe how well we're working together!" You can tell this girl was class president in high school. In fact, everyone on her team is acting like an infuriating student council member: President Gretchen has a vision for a better Bryant Park Memorial High School, and she's going to Tracy Flick it together at everyone's expense. Her vice president Christopher fields her orders and knows he looks good in a swivel chair at meetings. Uppity secretary Ivy is bitching that work needs to get done, and she's that insufferable alpha female whose mantra is, "I don't have time to be nice right now." Trembling treasurer AJ thinks he needs student council for his college application, but he's just going to go to a state school anyway, so who cares? Andy South is the well-meaning student council member who suddenly realizes he's surrounded by insincere ego-trippers, and Michael Costello (he with immunity this challenge) is the do-nothing whose dad is the superintendent, so Gretchen can't even "fire" him behind the bleachers during the big assembly. Can't wait for the results!
Even if they're dullards, the other team is easier to root for. In this overwrought high school analogy, they're the un-confident art club. April is the president who hates her own charcoal drawings and doesn't even want to apply to Oberlin anymore; Valerie is the plucky V.P. with a curating internship at the town historical society. Mondo and Michael Costello are genuine art nerds with complimentary depressed and effervesced vocal qualities. Peach is the faculty supervisor who just started to like art because she saw some on QVC. And Casanova is the foreign-exchange student who never quite fits in. In fact, Tim yells at him for making an old-lady lace garment, and that sends him into hysterics. He runs off and calls home, mostly as a method of forcing his teammates to shower him with compliments. It works!
"You're the best sewer and draper, Casanova," Michael Drummond coos.
"You're so creative!" sings Valerie.
"I'm getting so FAT!" bleats Casanova, crying into the couch. "I make clothes for old ladies, sluts, and flamenco dancers!"
No one objects that much. Luckily, Casanova's model comes in and tells him he's fine just the way he is. "A genius!" Casanova declares. We're back in motion.
On the final runway, Team "Military and Lace" produces a line of bordello-colored fun: There's Mondo's lacy top with goldenrod leggings, and here's April's bold, futuristic leather top with superb tailoring. For their lack of confidence, this is a self-assured melange. Casanova even kicks out a youthful lace top with perfect white pants -- the slutty old flamenco dancer who was haunting him has left the building on her scooter.
Team Luxe's collection isn't abysmal, but it's this BEIGE MENSWEAR concept that's got them losing like huge losers. AJ's white shirtdress looks like a mistake, and Christopher, Gretchen, and Andy turn out looks with weird volume issues. They're going for '70s Lauren Hutton proportions and coming up with artlessly bedraggled scraps.
But the best is yet to come: After Heidi declares The Ho-Hum Art Club the champions and Student Council a bunch of attention-starved middle children, Gretchen begins defending her collection and talking about how it was important that everyone contribute to every garment. Fabulous guest-judge (and Harvey Weinstein wife) Georgina Chapman says, "You lost all your individuality in this," and like that, Gretchen clamors, "I was styling a crappy collection." Then she says, "I spent all my time assisting Michael C. He's the least skilled member of the team." Like any leadership-obsessed blowhard, Gretchen is entirely two-faced. She adds, "I had no time to focus on what I'm good at," which is remarkable because she ordered everyone (including herself) to perform tasks that best suit them.
Fear not, she continues to endear herself to the judges by pointing out all of the impressive pieces, one by one, that she created for the collection. Her fellow designers follow suit and name their contributions, and 45-pound AJ is left to say, "I spent most of my time on just that shirtdress." Sad, sad little Patti Smith fetus man.
In better news: Casanova wins! This was obvious from the moment he called home. When Bunim-Murray shows a contestant distressed and reaching out, he's either the winner or the loser at episode's end. Bonier-than-ever AJ Thouvenot is asked to leave, and he breaks in half when Heidi hugs him.
Best of all, Tim Gunn storms backstage after the runway show and says to Gretchen's team, "I don't know why you let Gretchen control, steamroll and bully you all!" Bam! The wise old Pottery Teacher knows the student council president is a shell of a human being with below-average people skills. And now the rest of the contestants do too. How does this make me feel? Like the proudest drama club president who ever lived.