Last night's episode of Jersey Shore was called "The Letter," much like that annoying Joe Cocker song everyone keeps singing on American Idol. JWOWW and Snooki used their best ALL CAPS warning to alert Sammi of Ronnie's "true pig" ways, but were they successful? Let's break it down using the fairest rubric of all: the Fresh-to-Death Report Card.
· I grant an A+ in Tutoring Angelina to The Situation: Was Mike's fight with the Staten Island Stupidface the funniest moment all season? Potentially. It culminated in the telephone room when, after Angelina refused to clean dishes or do anything likable with her life, the Situation exclaimed, "You're excluded." Genius. The Situation called out the THB (Typical Hater Behavior), and the household was saved, simple as that. Not only is The Situation this week's valedictorian, but he's going to give a speech at FTD Graduation about how "Excluding haters is a lifelong process we'll need outside these hallowed halls. Go forth and isolate the hippos, young graduates."
· An A in Breast Aerobics for JWOWW: In what seemed like a meditative moment, JWOWW stood before a mirror and contracted her chest gorillas together for at least 30 seconds, saying only, "Like that." Like that. It deserved a little Tchaikovsky, but even without, JWOWW's boob recital proved that her magnums will forever make us say "cum laude."
· An A- in Detective Skills for Ronnie: After Ronnie was informed of the mysterious letter, he donned a deerstalker cap and puffed on a large oaken pipe. Then he investigated the purloined note's text and declared, "I saw the word 'wisely,' and I know Snooki doesn't use that kind of vocabulary." Elementary! Ronnie's new googly-white-font nickname should be "sleuth." Of course, Snooki did help write the note, but he deduced that JWOWW was the main word-weaver behind the message. See you at the laundromat, Watson.
· A B+ in Grenade Management for MVP: The previews treated The Situation's "Too many girls at the house!" snafu like the Riddle of the Sphinx, but he, Vinny, and Pauly solved it with 40 minutes of the episode to spare. Like slightly less articulate Oompa-Loompas, the gents moved all four girls to the right areas of their chocolate factory: The grenade went to bed, while the DTF (down-to-f*ck, by the way) girls separated into Pauly's juicing hut, Vinny's bang shack, and The Situation's smush den.
· A B in Stool Pigeon Flair for Vinny: Can you believe Vinny sat at the dining room table with Ronnie and blabbed about the letter Sammi received? Vinny, you have to be careful. Ronnie will make Donkey Kong noises and start stealing implants from the breasts of random passersby. He doesn't do anger well -- in fact, he does anger the way a meth-blitzing Zero Mostel might.
· A B in Purging Thyself of Emilio for Snooki: Setting afire her snapshots with Emilio was the right thing for Snooki to do and the right way to cleanse us of Emilio's hateful stank. It was also stupidly ceremonious, with each of the housemates gathering outside to watch Snooki take a lighter to her history with the despicable wretch, but mission accomplished. Snooki is invited to dance on the boardwalk as an Honor Roll member.
· A B- in Painfully Stupid Revenge for Ronnie: After his fight with Sammi, Ronnie called up a "hometown honey" (nice caption, MTV) to make Sammi jealous. Naturally, because Sammi had just gotten done declaring that she would never speak to Ronnie again, she stormed right out and asked who he was speaking with. Ronnie, you're a certifiable warthog jackass, but your plan worked.
· A C+ in LTS (Lying to Sammi) for DJ Pauly D: Pauly took to last night's course in dishonesty like a burgeoning scholar. When Sammi called him over to ask if he'd written the anonymous note (right, Sammi, Pauly D booted up MS Word and composed some stanzas for you), Pauly lied about his knowledge of Ronnie's juicehead debauchery with aplomb. It seemed like he was going to spill for a second, but then he went back to flashing a Koopa child grin and staring sheepishly at his trophy complexion. Fair work, sir!
· A C in Existence for Angelina: She was still annoying, but I didn't want to bury her upside-down in a big gelato bucket this week. This is her proudest showing.
· A C- in LTS (Lying to Sammi) for Vinny: Vinny doesn't wear exasperation well. When Sammi asked him about the contents of the letter, he shrugged and said, "I really don't know, Sammi." Eh? I expected better lies from the man whose eyebrows curve and swoop like a Disney villain's.
· A D+ in Enjoying the Company of Gay Men for Snooki and JWOWW: Their "gay pride" club date looked as fun as a one-member bar mitzvah. Why were there only three gay dudes in this danceteria? And why were Snooki and JWOWW dancing half-heartedly? Disappointing. This rainbow guido flag isn't fluttering.
· A D in LTS (Lying to Sammi) for Ronnie: Finally, when Sammi put the context clues together and realized her boyfriend was a freaky club behemoth with lies for eyes, Ronnie sat on the bed and attempted to defend his integrity. "I did get a girl's number," he confessed, but he forget to mention triple-kissing those hippos and grinding on that convulsive hyena. His aggressive denials reeked of deceit. Failure.
· A D- in Catchphrasing for Snooki: No one says, "It's on like Donkey Kong" anymore, dear. Not even my clueless Uncle Gene.
· An F in Editing for The Producers of Jersey Shore: Did anyone else catch during Snooki's phone call with Emilio that her trucker hat changed suddenly from "citron yellow with blue frosting" to "jet black with red goopy font"? This sleuth did. Time to start an agency with fellow P.I. (Pig Ignoramus) Ronnie.