This has been a long, hard season for the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Weaves were ripped. Italian slaughterhouses were visited. One cast member quit. Another cast member was allegedly fired. Botched breast implant surgeries were corrected, and one boy's dream of owning a joint strip club/car wash was delicately nurtured. But last night, Caroline Manzo closed out the second season by taking Danielle Staub to the mattresses one last time. Let's examine the most real and fake moments.
In honor of Emmy week, Movieline will honor this week's Reality Check winners with their own imaginary statuettes.
REAL: If There Was an Emmy Category For "Outstanding Mother in a Reality Series," Caroline Manzo Would Win Hands Down
Danielle Staub had been terrorizing the extended Manzo clan all season so last night, after a suspiciously well-coordinated family dinner (wink, Bravo, wink), Caroline arranged a mafioso-like one-on-one with the "black, vacant, soulless," be-weaved vessel that haunts her Jersey suburb.
Once at the restaurant, Caroline channeled her inner Meryl Streep and rattled off the kind of Emmy bait that her peers dream of being handed by a Bravo story editor. Let's take a look at the speech to Danielle, which surely has been added to Caroline's reel:
"When I stand, I don't stand alone. I stand with my family. You know what you are? You know what you are? You're a clown. Your whole life is a joke. No matter how hard you try. No matter what you do, no matter who you talk to, OK? You....will....not....hurt....ME! Do you know why? [Dramatic background music quickens.] I have integrity and I sit here and I tell you the truth. [Now seething] And when I called you garbage, I meant you were garbage. OK? Have a nice life. God bless you."
Round of applause. Come up and accept your first trophy, Caroline.
FAKE: If There Was an Emmy Category For "Outstanding Villain in a Reality Series," Danielle Staub Would Win Hands Down
Like all convincing villains, Danielle Staub has shown that she is ruthless and out-of-touch. She preys on children and she has a beautiful daughter that she whores out for free trips abroad, a rap sheet, a laundry list of vendettas, and eyes as black as coal. Like any Bravo fairy tale, good was made to defeat evil in Danielle's final Housewives episode (not counting next week's reunion). As Caroline railed and railed against her, the only half-hearted comeback that Danielle could piece together was this:
"Know your place, Caroline. She ain't no matriarch of my family. She's the clown, not me."
With that, Danielle disappeared in a cloud of smoke and a black snake slithered out of the restaurant to its chauffeured town car outside.
Danielle, please come forward to accept your trophy.