If you caught last night's episode of ABC's Bachelor Pad, the closest thing I've seen to parent-safe smut, you witnessed a revival of makeout parties that we've needed since MTV Spring Break gyrated into obscurity. Fifteen guys and girls donned blindfolds and judged each other's makeout prowess for our viewing pleasure. It was sexier than the Miss Universe pageant. It's not my fault.
Some points of interest during this challenge (before regular dates took over and ruined my spin-the-bottle buzz):
· Traumatized contestant Gia crying and declaring that making out with strange men is creepy. Because this is a Bachelor spinoff and she should expect each challenge to be a totem of integrity and grace.
· Germaphobe Wes getting germaphobic and claiming he could be sick if he thinks about swapping spit with all the girls in a row. Because this is a Bachelor spinoff and he should expect each challenge to be a totem of integrity and grace.
· Weatherman Jonathan exhibiting the makeout abilities of a skull. His lips were two nimbus puffs waffling in a cold front. Are we sure this guy isn't a Jason Biggs character in a failed romcom from 2002? Maybe called Precipitous Passions? Co-starring Linda Cardellini? Yes?
· Personality void Tenley making out hard. Good for her.
· Underdog Peyton winning the challenge for the girls' side. Sorry, Natalie, it turns out chewing off the lower half of each dude's face wasn't the key to victory. But I expect big things from you during the cannibal challenge in the big finale. (Here's hoping.)