Where Should 'The Situation' Spend His $5 Million Fortune?
You may have read the bad news this morning from our Seaside Heights bureau: Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is estimated to make about $5 million this year from his MTV contract, endorsement deals, and an advance on his autobiography. Oh, life! You hysterically unfair thing. After this traumatizing bulletin, we can only offer perspective by suggesting what The Situation should purchase with his fresh-to-death fortune.
· A large, hollowed Faberge egg that doubles as a Snooki carrying case.
· An in-ground pool filled with liquid crystalline topaz (for the finest in tanning).
· Surrounding that pool, a series of grenade-themed water slides and a high-dive called "The Plummeting Hater."
· An AK-47 rejiggered to shoot fresh t-shirts.
· An arboretum of tank-top trees.
· Fistpumping lessons from Jean Claude Van Damme.
· An old-timey prison cell for Angelina (with a prison warden played by Michael Clarke Duncan).
· The first 3-in-1 GTL workstation: a rotating cylindrical unit with an abdominal press coated in umber paint.
· NBC
· A round of stiff drinks. For us.
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Comments
Apocalypse nowish.
Three things to take comfort from this news...
1. The money will be spent wildly and fast, thus stimulating the economy.
2. Sales on the ghost written autobiography will be poor because the only people that interested in him can't read. Hopefully teaching publishers to stop pissing away money on reality skanks.
3. He'll be off the air forever within six months of a studio wasting millions on a movie vehicle for him.
The Situation needs to spend the money to fix the situation above "the situation".
Well this is just great! All those years I was lectured about needing to be literate, personable, and have clear enunciation in order to succeed. You SUCK, Mom!
He should pay off any student loans he might have.