Where Should 'The Situation' Spend His $5 Million Fortune?

You may have read the bad news this morning from our Seaside Heights bureau: Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is estimated to make about $5 million this year from his MTV contract, endorsement deals, and an advance on his autobiography. Oh, life! You hysterically unfair thing. After this traumatizing bulletin, we can only offer perspective by suggesting what The Situation should purchase with his fresh-to-death fortune.

· A large, hollowed Faberge egg that doubles as a Snooki carrying case.

· An in-ground pool filled with liquid crystalline topaz (for the finest in tanning).

· Surrounding that pool, a series of grenade-themed water slides and a high-dive called "The Plummeting Hater."

· An AK-47 rejiggered to shoot fresh t-shirts.

· An arboretum of tank-top trees.

· Fistpumping lessons from Jean Claude Van Damme.

· A little more Auto-Tune.

· An old-timey prison cell for Angelina (with a prison warden played by Michael Clarke Duncan).

· The first 3-in-1 GTL workstation: a rotating cylindrical unit with an abdominal press coated in umber paint.

· NBC

· A round of stiff drinks. For us.