It's Backstory Download Time on True Blood! Want to know what Sookie really is? What about Crystal, or Jesus? How about something Sam was doing in 2003 -- want to see that? It's an expositional smorgasbord, and we've got it tallied for sex and violence.
· "I'm a fairy? How f**king lame," Sookie whines at the very top of the episode. I've got to hand it to True Blood -- any other genre show would have made that reveal the last line of an episode, but here, you never know what you're going to get in a cold open. Bill shares his Claudine drinking-in-the-middle-of-the-day dream. Sookie wants to know if there was a pond in his dream, because, you know, apparently there are so many other fairy commune hallucinations going around right now and he'd better be specific. "Yessss there was a pond," says Bill, "and I dove into it after our marrrrriage." Or something. But Sookie had better watch out, because vampires love to kill fairies! Well, who don't they love to kill? (Violence: +1)
· Post-Franklin aftermath! As Jason and Tara debate what to do with the pieces, Jason briefly flashes back to shooting Eggs and killing Stephen Root. He really does do one of these each season! Tara moves all the Franklin pieces all over the place like he's a sliding block puzzle, then kicks dirt onto his remains and spits on them. (Violence: +3)
· Lafayette and Jesus are attending to Crystal's bloody dad as Crystal screams at them. Man, Lafayette has had to put up with a lot of crazy women this season. Come back, Alfre! All is forgiven. (Violence: +2)
· Sam pours alcohol on his bloody hand, which immediately forces him to flash back to 2003. At least, that's what the chyron says, although I'm pretty sure they just switched in a Sawyer flashback from the first season of Lost. Sam stole jewelry or something with some lady he makes out with (Sex: +2), and that lady has a husband who pistol-whips him (Violence: +2). Looooong con! This is a whole lot of very sudden backstory, so I guess they figured out that Sam wasn't doing so much. Then again, he's still not doing much, just thinking about the last time he had an interesting plotline (2003!).
· Bill and Sookie are still having their Wikipedia conversation about fairies. "According to legend, fairy blood is delectable and intoxicating to vampires," says Bill. DELICIOUS LINE. The writers room really needs a webcam. (+5 points all around)
· At Fangtasia, Eric is making out his will and leaving almost everything to Pam, but who cares, because ERIC IS IN A NEW SHIRT EVERYONE! Yvetta the Playboy covergirl signs the will. She is boobulous, yet jealous of Pam's bounty. Eric yells at her in subtitles, and we learn that "You gold-digging whore!" is the same in any language. (Sex: +3, New Shirt: +10)
· Lafayette gives Crystal's dad some V while Crystal whines a lot. Shush, Crystal! Bad Dad regenerates and slaps her because Lafayette is gay. Hey, why not. A pressing question: Why is Crystal dressed in a white tee and blue dress shirt like Jerry Seinfeld circa 1992? Is she in sneakers too? Give us a wide shot! (Violence: +3)
· Out in the woods, Eric tells Bill that he knows what Sookie is, and they talk about her magic blood, which is DELECTABLE. Sookie appears and she is so tired of these vampires! Especially Eric. You can practically see Sookie cross her fairy legs to him, but Eric is then so fatalistic in such a swoony way that she scissors unconsciously. (Sex: +1)
· At Merlotte's, Arlene watches Steve Newlin on TV (hi, Steve!) while Tommy and Jessica clean. Arlene's anti-vamp prejudices come to the fore, and Jess slams Arlene against the wall and insults her dye job. (I just talked to Carrie Preston about that kooky hair color -- watch for that later this week.) Jess is embarrassed that she overreacted, but Tommy says it gave him wood. Ew, Tommy! (Violence: +2, Sex: +1)
· Hoyt and Summer. "I can tell you're a sexual person, Hoyt Fortenberry," says Summer, revealing some cleavage. Hoyt closes his eyes and thinks of...well, what do we imagine it looks like in Hoyt's brain? I'm picturing something cute and mournful, like Peregrine's dead fawns from the Work of Art finale. (Sex: +2)
· Sookie is just going to hide out with Jason for a while, and as leaves, Bill kisses her. Tara and Jason do not approve, but just wait, guys: You'll get your own makeup later. (Sex: +1)
· Suddenly, after several episodes of guilt-tripping Lafayette for being a drug dealer, Jesus is super into V. In fact, he wants to do V with Lafayette, and they do a little bit of thumb-licking. It's mildly sexy. (Sex: +2)
· Holly gives Sam some herbs for his testosterone problem. I don't think we need to up Sam's estrogen levels any -- dude's top shelf is already pretty stacked. By the way, Tommy still wants to bang Sam, and it's weird. He will romance one of the series regulars no matter what! (Sex: +1)
MIDWAY POINT: Sex and Violence are tied, with 18 points each! (Still, don't count out the point value for Eric's New Shirt -- it's a dark horse contender, with a score of 10.)
· Oh no, a Jesus/Lafayette V vision. They're basically riding Thunder Mountain Railroad, but high. Wow, this is going on a really long time. They find out that their families were both into crazy mystical arts, because this is the big family tree episode, apparently. Does anyone remember how in the season premiere, scenes were about 10 seconds long, max? Interesting that we have approximately forty-five minutes to spend on V hallucinations now. (Violence: +2, Sex: +2)
· Arlene confesses to Terry that she's carrying Rene's baby, but Terry resolves to raise it. Arlene is so much like Jessica, really -- they're both neurotic and occasionally violent, yet they have dunderheaded hunks who love them unconditionally. It would be a romantic moment if Arlene's terrified eyes weren't blinking, "ABORTION ABORTION ABORTION." (Sex: +1)
· Jason finally tells Sookie that he shot Eggs, and somehow, the show resists another opportunity for post-production bullet hole effects. (Violence: -3)
· Turned on by Eric's grad student nihilism, Sookie has a dream about him where they make out and get bitey. (Violence: +1, Sex: +3)
· Jason and Tara finally have a significant scene together, and they are so cute with each other. Make this happen! They kiss. Oh, it's on! Make ouuuuut. Yessss. Do eeeet. (I am a twelve-year-old girl.) Don't f**k this up with THE TRUTH, Jason. Dammit, Jason admits that he shot Eggs. Give Tara ONE EPISODE to not be crazy, Jason. (Sex: +5)
· Back at her house, Jessica is being hate crimed. Bill waltzes into the scene (dude is getting around) and tells her to restrain herself from revenge. "It's entirely possible that by the next episode, the writers will table this anti-vampire stuff subplot completely," he says in a soothing tone of voice. "Just wait it out." (Violence: +3)
· Sam keeps flashbacking. Hi, naked Sam. (Redundant?) He gets money from the dude whose gal he slept with, then asks for his pants. It is just startling that the show resisted the opportunity for Sam to also ask for the guy's underwear, thereby skinning yet another day player. Sam fights the guy, his mystery lady shoots at Sam, and then Sam shoots her and the guy. I'm not sure why any of this happened. "Don't you f**king die on me," Sam moans to the girl he shot. Sam thinks he is in a movie. (Violence: +10, Sex: +5)
· Whoa: Eric is maybe wearing a second shirt? Sookie comes into Fangtasia and he whines until they kiss passionately. She's kind of into it. "OK, I get it, I'm irresistible," Sookie says. Nobody delivers hilarious meta lines better than Anna Paquin. Then Pam comes down and summons Eric by muttering, "Blah blah vampire emergency blah." Damn, I take that back: Nobody does those lines better than Kristin Bauer. (Sex: +3, New Shirt: +10)
· Navid from 90210 is suddenly on True Blood, showing off his torso and ability to grow facial hair. The long-absent Russell comes up to him, lights his cigarette, and asks, "So, this stubble. Are you kinda going for 'Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'?" (Sex: +2)
· Hoyt professes his love to Jessica, but she cant return it. Sad fawn Hoyt leaves and smacks Tommy, but then Tommy morphine into a pit bull (like that analogy he told us about!) and attacks, forcing Jess to intercede and administer some of her own blood to Hoyt. (Violence: +9)
· Bill goes looking for Sookie (shouldn't he have just followed her out of the woods from before?) and shoves Jason into a wall. Pissed, Jason rescinds his invitation and Bill floats away, but that's not all: there is also a crazy were-panther in the house who morphs into Crystal. Crystal, we're done with you now. Team Tara! (Violence: +2)
· Denis O'Hare finally get his post-coital scene as Russell cuddles with his scruffy hustler, then talks to him like he's Talbot. In fact, he's so caught up with his Talbot reverie that he stakes the guy as a sort of tribute to his fallen lover. I mean, Talbot was kind of obnoxious from what we saw, but I guess we'll just have to assume that there was more to him than home decoration and a dislike of black people that stemmed from them clashing with his wallpaper. Poor Russell, kind of. (Violence: +10, Sex: +5)
· Eric grabs Sookie and chains her up in the basement. Use your fairy fireball, Sook! Sadly, she forgets to move the joystick in a quarter circle and hit a punch button in time. (Violence: +2)
FINAL TALLY: Violence edged out Sex, 54 to 44. Alas, though Alexander Skarsgard's two costume changes rated highly, the New Shirt meter eventually stalled out. (We would also have accepted No Shirt, for future reference.)