Last night's episode of True Blood served mainly to move some chess pieces (and vampire viscera) around before the final run of episodes, but it was not without its pleasures, as well as the return of a fan favorite. Still, can this slow-burn of an hour rate highly on the sex and violence meters? Let's take a look:
· There's trouble at Fangtasia, as Eric comes bursting in, so stressed out that he has not had time to fully put on a shirt. (It is a level of stress that the people on this show know all too well.) Pam is very worried, but before they can really go into things, Nan Flanagan enters with the touring company of Daft Punk to lay the pain down on Eric with some silver. (Sex: +2, Violence: +4)
· Russell zooms home to his suddenly much emptier mansion and finds Talbot's viscera on the floor. As he collapses crying, you may have thought to yourself, "Please don't touch it. Don't touch the viscera." Unfortunately he does, sweeping them around and collecting it as though he's an 8-year-old proving that he ate all the potatoes on his plate by spreading them as thin as possible. (Violence: +6)
· Sookie is taking a shower at home, and Bill comes in to kiss her bite mark. NAKED PAQUIN. Using a bit of his own blood, he heals her wounds and they make out while the drain runs red. (Sex: +8, Violence: +2)
· While confronting Bill about the weird family tree files he's put together, Sookie tiptoes around the naked werewolf left in her living room and delicately puts a towel over him. There is something very final about the way she does it, as though we're through with werewolves for the season. R.I.P., actors whose nudity outpaced their dialogue. (Sex: +4)
· At Lafayette's place, Jesus is in the kimono-bathrobe. (That line was taken verbatim from the Bible.) Lafayette kisses Jesus's jaguar tattoo, and somewhere, a wide receiver's eyes cross. Oh, Alfre is still here. Her wig and makeup looks impeccable, just like you would expect from an ESCAPED SOUTHERN MENTAL PATIENT. She says something offensive, as is her way. (Sex: +1)
· Jason pulls a gun on Crystal's fiance or father or brother or whoever. They fight a little bit and Crystal pistol whips him, then they both tie him up. Crystal insists that he be tied up with rope, as he can escape handcuffs -- though she doesn't explain why. Crystal, we're already suffering through the "What is Sookie?" plotline. Reveal that you come from a family of unicorns and be done with it! (Violence: +3)
· As Nan interrogates Eric about Russell, the authority watches via webcam. The most violent part of this scene are Pam's pink Uggs. (Violence: +1)
· Sam and Tara have a moment together gauging interest in the two of them for a season four relationship, but that is interrupted by a call from Arlene's. There is screaming coming from Tommy's room, so he is probably sexing someone, killing someone, or heavy-petting with Alexander Skarsgard. Knowing this show, it could be all three. (Sex: +2)
· Sam immediately heads over, and as promised, Tommy is assing around! There is also a topless girl there. The whole vibe is very weird, and Sam Trammell kind of backs out of this scene before they make him take his clothes off, too. (Sex: +10)
MIDWAY POINT: In this fairly sedate episode, Sex is far outpacing Violence, 27 to 16. The candy dish full of Talbot's brains is so displeased right now.
· Bill hallucinates that somehow, he's found his way into Sookie's magic drunk-dancing commune. Damn, and this episode was going so well. He chases down Claudine and then maybe tries to bite her (you never learn, Bill Compton!), and she fling-lights him across the garden-cemetery. Where are all the other mysterious dancing sprites? Hung over? (Violence: +2)
· Sookie meets Hadley and her nephew at the local aquarium, which looks more like an underlit McDonalds with a fish tank in it. Sookie finds out that her nephew shares her mind-reading mystery origins, and a nervous Hadley wrenches the poor kid's arm trying to get him out of there. (Violence: +1)
· Arlene is so mad at Tommy! They just have no luck hiring at Merlotte's, between the regulars who disappear for episodes a time, the waitresses who are hired to take their tops off and then die, and the numerous supporting characters who are given jobs at Merlotte's when their main plot runs out. Tommy puts a few more quarters in Sam's rage-ometer, while in the back room, Holly and Arlene have an abortion talk that is almost startling for how it doesn't wink at the audience or make fun of any of the characters. More of this, True Blood! (Violence: +1)
· At Fangtasia, Eric is so tired, he's bleeding up a storm. Even the sight of Pam waking up from her Delorean coffin cannot cheer him from his coke nosebleeds. (Violence: +2)
· Finally, we get a Jessica scene, and as you all know by now, post-midpoint Jessica is a point reduction across the board (Sex: -5, Violence: -5). At least she gets a good scene: While meeting Summer, Jessica fangs out, but it's all good, because Hoyt isn't much of a Summer fan, either. Jessica starts blood-crying and Tommy intercedes. (Violence: +1)
· Russell has fled his mansion with an elaborate urn filled with Talbot's viscera, and I must confess that when he first pulled it from his coat, I thought it was just an enormous container of red vines. Alas! Inside Fangtasia, Nan disavows her interview with Eric but sics him on Russell. (Violence: +2)
· At Merlotte's, Jason tangles with Crystal's...father? OK, we're going with "father." He calls Sam a pussy and and Sam goes ballistic and barfights him. Rage-ometer overload! Basically, everyone in the bar just stands by because they know this episode needed a fight. Tommy is impressed, and may even have a boner. Tommy, you need to stop looking at your brother like that. (Violence: +5, Sex: +1)
· Apparently, Jesus is going to take Crystal's bloody beaten father to the ER? "He's my daddy and he's the only one I got," moans Crystal. I mean, aren't they both 30? But then, this is the south. (Violence: +2)
· FRANKLIN!!!!!!! He grabs Tara and they have a great scene. I missed non-joke Franklin; I mean, I appreciate True Blood's tendency to not take itself too seriously, but these actors deserve a straight-ahead scene now and then. Jason pulls a gun and fires a wooden bullet at Franklin, and his viscera explodes everywhere. Well, I guess he's really dead now. Tara disappoints me by not scooping any Franklin into a Merlotte's ashtray to monologue with in the next episode. (Violence: +9)
· Nan is having lesbian fun-times in her limo, and why not? After all, the more conniving a vampire is on this show, the more likely he or she will be to knock boots with the same sex -- it's just a shame that Lorena was killed before we could meet Bettina, the college friend who would sometimes dirty-dance with her to make Bill jealous. (Sex: +8)
· On the vampire version of CNN, Russell kills an anchor on air and starts monologuing about the dangerous vampire threat while holding the anchor's spinal cord. Russell is so The Mayor on Buffy. "We will eat you after we eat your children," he says deliciously. Hide your kids, hide your wife! (Violence: +7)
FINAL TALLY: And with that final flourish, Russell ensures Violence's victory, 42 to 31. Where will things go from here? Are vampire rights going to be struck down by uppity Mormon fundraisers? Will Bill ever tell Sookie what she is, or will they be comically interrupted on the verge of revelation right up until the finale? And will Franklin's remains continue to pursue Tara, like an indefatigable version of the blob with a tasty British accent?