Creepin'! Sounds like the name of a lesser Wynton Marsalis album, but it's actually the title of last night's Jersey Shore episode. The guidos and guidettes offered varying shades of freshness (let alone fresh-to-deathness, the rarefied quality that it is), but did they make the grade? All marks -- from A+ to F -- are posted after the jump.
A+ in Clubwear for JWOWW: I'm forsaking my professorial diplomacy for just a second. Ahem, Ms. Jenni Woww? Please move to the head of the class. Now: GIRL, WHAT. THAT TOP IS BANGIN'. GIRL. TURN AROUND NOW. TURN AROUND. FRESH. FRAY-ESH. JUKE NOW. YOU JUKE, GIRL. THAT'S IT. THANK YOU. Aaaaannd we're back. JWOWW went clubbing in what looked like suspenders made of Reynolds Wrap and half a sheet of construction paper, and that's what scholarship here at the Fresh-to-Death Conservatory is all about. Tears in my eyes and all over my completely exposed "girls."
A in Snookin' for Snooki: "Snookin'" is as high an art as "creepin,'" and perhaps as ambiguous. Somehow, Snooki achieved a masterpiece in snookery when it came to mounting a dog statue at the gelato parlor and announcing, "My vagina hurts," before clamoring, "No, I like it." Provocative, resonant, and ultimately an acute commentary on the human condition, b*tches.
A- in John Belushi Tribute Face for Ronnie: Ronnie was so out of control and out of character during his club dalliances in Grenade-a that he appeared to achieve a Belushi-visits-the-Marmont stupor. I thought authorities would discover him face down next to a bouquet of speedballs draped in the Italian flag, and his "Samurai Delicatessen" eye-rolls were no help. Nonetheless, he delights the faculty when it comes to channeling "Joliet Jake" power while enacting the humpty dance on some hippos.
B+ in Haircut for Vinny: Vinny was pretty positive that his new haircut (and "tape-up") had the perfect fade, but I'm not so sure. I thought the fade was too drastic in back, and he ended up looking like Toad.
B in Living Up to the Title "MVP" for The Situation, Vinny, and Pauly: If you adopt a cocky acronym like "MVP," you can't drag home a hyena tag-team and cavort with it in the hot tub. You can, however, throw around one of the hyena's wayward breast cutlets like a Koosh ball. Well played, gentlemen. Seriously, those girls were stank (they were probably voiced by Whoopi Goldberg and Cheech Marin), and the trio handled them like champs.
B- in Gently Handling the Angelina for JWOWW: I don't have the exact quote, but JWOWW's Angelina appraisal of "Sleep with one eye open, I'll de-la-Hoya your face in the morning" was refined and poetic -- even though diplomacy does not work with the Staten Island Stankystank.
C+ in Romance for Ronnie: The new "I Just Called to Say I Love You" is "Can I Smoosh You Please?" Ronnie uttered the deeply spiritual request to Sammi immediately after he contracted Hep C off a landmine's jiggling thigh at the club. And of course, Sammi obliged with whimsical infatuation like a melanoma-stricken Ali MacGraw.
C in IFF Relations for Pauly: Are we sick of IFF yet? Pauly's bringing me to the brink -- especially since we're going to wait all season for the confrontation between roidy Ronnie and smirky Sammi.
C- in Knockin' Knickers with Schnickers for Vinny: What kind of "unthinkable" hookup with Snooki was that? First of all, their whole tryst was staged from the get-go, with Vinny telling Snooki she took his breath away and Snooki responding "You look hot too" before the night began. Not fun or spontaneous or real. And then -- what happened, exactly? They drunkenly fell into a bed together? Their clothes were still on in the morning. I feel cheated, but there's potential here for a secondary smoosh, and for that Vinny passes. Barely.
D+ in Whooping Up a Gelato Frenzy Situation for The Situation: This was staged, but The Situation's attempt at wooing customers to the gelato shop with his situation-stirring nudity was just unsuccessful. Snooki achieved as much fanfare by climbing a stepstool and dolloping a scoop of Rum Raisin onto a broken cone. Pathetic.
D in Being Sammi for Sammi: What is wrong with this bobbling hater? Ronnie berates her with horribly offensive insults the way Ralph Kramden would if he joined the cast of American History X, and she makes fawn eyes at the ceiling. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? She is a B-rate Audrina Patridge. I certainly did not think that was possible.
D- in Existence for Angelina: I don't care who forgave her.
F in Physics for Vinny: I appreciate the "laws of motion" quip in reference to JWOWW's chest gorillas, Vinny -- but it's Newton's laws of motion, not Einstein's. Luckily the law of equal and opposite maniac fistpumps saved him from eternal damnation and a trip to summer school.