After several weeks of fussin' and fightin', everyone on True Blood just wanted to get laid this week. Still, not everyone made it out of their long-rumored sexual assignations alive. Let's tally up the new episode's sex and violence to see which was on top (ahem).
· We come back to Sookie's hospital room, where the buzz from her "getting drunk in the middle of the day in a freaky commune" vision has quickly evaporated. Everyone is grabbing each other's arms: Alcide grabs Bill's. Lafayette grabs Tara's. (Violence: +1) This may be the most regulars that have shared a scene together since, like, season one.
· After a sad chat, Bill blood cries and walks out on Sookie, who regular-cries. What I love about the amount of blood-crying we've had this year is that the special effects really force the actors' hands -- no underplaying your emotions allowed! Even Matthew Fox might watch this show and say, "Maybe these characters are crying a little bit too much?" (Violence: +2)
· At Vampire Mansion, Talbot fights with Russell, who strokes his cheek as Eric looks on, making the same mental note he's been making for the last few episodes. (Violence: +1, Sex: +1) Meanwhile, Deb is really mad that Alcide is responsible for her boyfriend's death. "He killed my cooter!" she shrieks. Deb, you took care of that yourself when you pulled your Daisy Dukes up that high.
· Have you always wanted to see Arlene and Terry in bed together? You can check that one off your bucket list. Sadly, this peaceful tableau is interrupted when she has a vision that she's actually cuddling with Rene, who dream strangles her. (Violence: +3, Sex: +2)
· Finally, Jessica gets a good meaty scene where she begs a despondent Bill to continue as her mentor. She blood cries and Bill is touched, but he used up all his plasma already in the previous scene, so he just kind of gives her an awkward pat on the shoulder. (Violence: +1)
· Sookie's chemistry with the departing Alcide (Sex: +2) gets cockblocked by Jason, who rails against Bill and calls him a fanger. Sookie is shocked by his bigotry: "That's not who you are!" Where were you last season, Sookie? It kind of was who he was, as we'll see later when Jason digs up his old Fellowship of the Sun gear.
· Ruh roh, Sam's money-grubbing mom gets her turn in the morphing naked dog spotlight! All we get is her bare back. Double standard? (Sex: +1)
· Tara's shower of wholesome replenishing takes a naughty turn as she gets creative with the sudsy loofah and things turn into a sexy fantasy about Franklin (whose face is thankfully un-maced). (Sex: +4)
· Alfre Woodard is throwing things at Lafayette and babbling. (Violence: +1) How are we feeling about Alfre Woodard in this part, everyone? It's not quite working for me. Lafayette is best when he's calling people names and throwing shade, and he can't do that when he's calmly feeding Alfre scenery to chew.
· A scantily-clad Sookie is sunbathing to get over Bill. She IS a blond. (Sex: +2) Tara makes an unflattering comparison of Bill to Franklin, and does Sookie even know who the hell Franklin is? Sookie is like, "Sorry Tara, I haven't been following your subplot. Hell, I just had to go on Netflix to find out what Jason was even doing last season."
MIDWAY POINT: Sex is leading Violence, 12 to 9. Could this be a comeback for Sex, which has been on the ropes for the last few weeks (beaten even by Tara's Crazy Eyes in the previous episode)?
· Alfre brandishes a knife to break up the Lafayette-Jesus "don't be a drug dealer" conversation, which has been sucking the wind out of their scenes together. OK, Alfre, you've finally done something useful. At least Laffy and Jesus get a good kiss later, so there's that. (Violence: +1, Sex: 2)
· Crystal! She has been hit in the face. Jason's totally fine with it, and they heavy pet on the couch. (Violence: +1, Sex: 2)
· At Vampire Mansion, Eric grabs the jiggly Hadley so that she'll send a message to Sookie. That message is, "Do you have another sweater? I've been wearing this one for eight episodes." (Violence: +1, Sex: +1)
· Sookie and Alcide decide to double down on their unresolved sexual tension as she gives him a hug and he gives her a sniff. "Should we kiss this season?" he wonders telepathically. Sookie gives him a firm no. I'm sure Alcide was just as firm, in his own way. (Sex: +3)
· Hoyt wanders into Merlotte's and rumbles with Tommy, sort of, but Hoyt is apparently seven feet tall (who knew?) and that nips things in the bud. Tommy is so the little dog who takes on the big dogs. (Violence: +1)
· Bill and Jessica are mock-fighting at top speed and it's kind of fun. More Bill/Jessica scenes, please. (Violence: +3)
· Russell and Talbot are still having a spat about Russell's decision to behead the Magister, and Talbot breaks a lot of nice things in a fit of pique. Eric offers to sex Talbot up, like we've been waiting for half this season. (Violence: +1, Sex: +2)
· Crystal and Jason are post coital, but meanwhile, Crystal's posse walks into Merlotte's looking for her. Tommy finally gets to shove someone. On True Blood, men shove other men and women attempt to choke other women. It's just the way things are. (Violence: +1)
· Eric and Talbot are not much for awkward small talk. "I'm bored," Talbot whines. "Take off your clothes." I am certainly not against scenes where Alexander Skarsgard gets shirtless and makes out with other dudes, but shouldn't this be a little sexier? Maybe the problem is Skarsgard's odd thousand-yard stare, like he's either being led to the executioner or trying to bend a spoon with his mind. (Sex: +10)
· Jason comes into Crystal's hillbilly barn and there's someone there gnawing on meat or something. Weird. I'm enjoying his hillbilly investigation subplot principally because I like to imagine Jason as a much dumber, hunkier version of Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone. (Violence: +3)
· Catfight! Debbie comes after Sookie and there are slaps and punches! Chairs thrown! Mirrors broken! Sookie even does Jack's flying dragon punch from the Lost season finale. Ultimately, Deb tries to choke Sookie, but when will the women on this show learn that Sookie can never be choked to completion? Sook drives some scissors into Deb and blasts a shotgun into the wall near her until Deb dives out the window in retreat. This fight didn't really get it due thanks to the 8,000 other things it was intercut with, but it was kinda rad. (Violence: +15)
· Bill and Jessica fight wolves, mostly offscreen. We do get to see a hungry Bill hovering over a nude wolf-man before he has to rush outside and help Jessica, who's been bitten into by Russell. Nooo! Bill thankfully goads Russell into a fight, and Jess takes off. (Violence: +4, Sex: +4)
· Finally, the confusingly edited Eric-Talbot sex scene you've been waiting for. After a bit of foreplay, Eric stakes him from behind -- not like that, though. Talbot, if you had to die, at least it was while Alexander Skarsgard was making contractually obligated love to you. There are plenty of worse ways to go. (Violence: +8, Sex: +15, )
· As Hoyt drives by, Jessica is biting into Patrick Swayze's naked brother. I don't have much to say about that, so I'll just mention that we are interviewing both Theo Alexander (Talbot) and Marshall Allman (Sam's brother Tommy) today, if you've got any questions for them. (Violence: +3, Sex: +4)
· Sookie and Bill reunite, make out, and then we finally get our first NAKED PAQUIN of the season as she rides Bill and they have angry sex. (Sex: +15)
FINAL TALLY: The Eric-Talbot scene was more than enough to give Sex the win, but the unexpected homecoming of NAKED PAQUIN (returning to her True Blood throne like a benevolent ruler back from an extended Pilates holiday) made this a 70-to-51 blowout. Until next week, kids!