Look at this guy. He thinks he can teach us about "infinity" and how it looks good when you turn it into a dress, or something. I'm serious. And that's the just the appetizer crack pipe in this strange, infuriating episode of Project Runway.
After another rooftop venture where Heidi explains that the designers finally made it on the real Project Runway and not the fake Project Runway with the fake cameras and the unsavory dreadlocked girl, guest judge and totalitarian tiger demon Joanna Coles explains the challenge: Make a pretty dress that looks good on a billboard. Because your dress will be ON A BILLBOARD, SEE. Everyone starts cheering and stripping. Joanna works at Marie Claire too, so she slides in something about "serving the Marie Claire woman," who is sexy, fashion-forward, confident, a magazine subscriber, pouty in the right way, and from the future.
Gretchen, last week's winner, has this idea to make pants. Anemic AJ is inspired by Gwen Stefani and Courtney Love, God help him. And horrible hetero Jason starts on a tangent about his concept, which concerns "infinity."
"Infinity is a very positive sign, and people have anxiety when it comes to death. What's greater than infinity?"
Translation: He wants to take a figure-eight shape and turn it into a dress. That's it. The "infinity" thing he came up with in sixth grade. It looked cool in silver pen on a Trapper Keeper, and he believes he was on to something. His parents divorced at around that time, I suspect.
After HOT HOT HOT Christopher says that the magnitude of this challenge is "operatic" (La Ba-ho-hum, I say), Tim circles the workroom and can't help but hate it all. Casanova's dress is matronly, Mondo doesn't have a sketch, and Michael Costello's look is "Blanche Devereaux." But just as we're about to see ourselves to the lanai for a percocet overdose, little Valerie makes a funny. Tim criticizes her dress, and she says, "Tim, keep it down!" Lawv herhhhh. Shee izz verry bootiful. (Pronunciation courtesy of Diane von Furstenberg.)
The first workday ends. Mondo gets an extended confessional where he says he can't relate to anyone. And then, suddenly, he's bawling. Um. Mondo, I don't know if you've ever met reality TV, but here's a bulletin: You're not here to make friends. Stop. You're throwing yourself under the bus or something.
The next day, the designers have to take their wretched designs, prop them up on models, and make them look good for photo shoots. The photos will be used in the final judging. Jason's sure he has a winner with this "infinity" thing, even though his dress is held together by pins, staples, and probably saliva judging by how much he just loves boobs. Gretchen's terrible jumpsuit (with pants! Remember, that was her ambition) looks OK on camera. Valerie's once-problematic red dress has evolved into a luscious little number with perfect seams. Lawwwwff herrrrrr stillllll argle gargle. (DVF, three drinks in.)
To the runway. Joanna Coles sniffs hello and orders the models to march. 50-year-old Peach's dress is polka-dotted and terrible. Mondo turned out a fancy-free little skirt even after suffering from Kafkaesque alienation the previous night. Nice-guy Nicholas's capelet isn't too appealing. And Jason's infinity dress is just a lead apron with holes in it. On Work of Art, he'd be the winner.
Weirdly, Gretchen wins her second challenge in a row with the jumpsuit, defeating the clear favorite Valerie. They're dismissed, along with Mondo, who appealed to panel with a cute Mary Tyler Moore reference, and Peach, who was terrible. That leaves qualified Nicholas and huffy horrid Jason. Heidi widens her stare, allows her jaw to unhinge, and bellows, "You both are eliminated" and rubies of fire spill from her mouth. There was no reason for Nicholas to lose too, but oh well -- Tim Gunn shares our disgust.
Next week: Despite Tim's reservations in that video, an ambulance carts someone off. I bet it's little AJ. When the judges spared him this week, he started crying, and I bet he bawled until his teensy abdomen shattered. Or better yet, maybe Peach fell on a big fashion sword like she knows she deserves. We'll have to Watch What Happens! I said it, Lifetime.