Jersey Shore's second season premiered, and it's already clear that some Guidos and Guidettes aren't created equal. This year, Movieline rates each of Jersey Shore's eight stars each week in terms of freshness, fresh-to-deathness, juicehead manners, and the GTL credo. Who came in at No. 1? And who fails the grade in dead last? Follow us down to Miami, b*tch.
1. Ronnie
Key Quote: (to Sammi) "You've been through enough? You've been through enough? Been through enough? I went through enough myself. You haven't been through sh*t."
Drunkenness that snowballs into gyrations, triple kisses, and emotional confessions to the least emotive ex-girlfriend in history? That's what it takes to land at the top of the heap in the Fresh-to-Death Report Card. I'm awarding an A+ in dancefloor sorcery, another A+ in sweatiness, and a solid A- in schooling your girl with poignant, made-up adages. Pass the Victory Valtrex his way.
2. Pauly D
Key Quote: "Angelina who?"
Pauly had a relatively tame episode, mixing it up on neither the ones nor twos, but his guileless good-time grin was A-grade freshness from the start. And he also looks like Wario, which I like about him.
3. JWOWW
Key Quote: "If you wanna f*cking go outside right now, we can go right f*cking outside."
When you're a trophy-colored female retooling of The Flintstones's Bam-Bam, you really can't go wrong on Jersey Shore. JWOWW caused a shelf to break that spilled booze onto Sammi's white shorts (A+), and she made Angelina feel like an uninvited preteen (A+). But she also refrained from wearing polyester fabric scraps as a top, which is such a no-no in Fresh-to-Death. She gets a B- in Cleavesmanship.
4. The Situation
Key Quote: "Ronnie's hooking up with grenades, and that's a big ugly chick. He's also hooking up with landmines, and that's a thin ugly chick. He's loving life."
The Situation is a little lost in his own new lingo so far, but this fourth-place finish is a momentary setback. He'll no doubt return with a witty new spin on "committing robberies" soon enough. Though he definitely earns a C when it comes to anointing Ronnie with the nickname "Sloppy Joe."
5. Snooki
Key Quote: "Eating fried pickles was a life-changing experience."
In the first 10 minutes, Snooki spraytanned, ate fried pickles, and knocked Obama's anti-melanoma tax. She's hardly snookin' around anymore -- because this girl is selling her woozy wares. Therefore, season two Snooki is a little more calculating and callous than the cartwheeling goddess we first met, but I suppose that was inevitable. For now, she falls in the middle of the heap, earning a B in The Poof.
6. Sammi
Key Quote: (to Angelina) "Actually, I think you should shut your f*cking mouth."
For that alone, she rises to sixth place. Seriously, I'd rank Sammi "Single" beneath Angelina if I could, but the girl bears the undeniable talent of seeming completely at ease in front of a camera (a B+ quality at best). She seems more like a Midwest suburbanite than a reigning Guidette though. I expect this to be her finest showing.
7. Vinny
Key Quote "My uncles, they want me to just bang everything. But I want better quality girls."
I've got a bad feeling about Vinny this season. I'm all for amped-up gorilla antics and well-washed juiceheady couture, but is it possible that Vinny's recasting himself as a less-soundbite-prone Situation? No, no, Vinny! You're Raphael and The Sitch is Michelangelo. Don't ever forget the humanoid that you are. For what I perceive as a season two identity crisis, I have to give Vinny seventh place. BPB (Basketball-Pool-Beach) for life, though, and I award an A- in Insightful Confessional One-Liners.
8. Angelina
Key Quote: "It doesn't bother me, they're being immature."
If the only time you can arouse sympathy from the viewer is through pitiful confessionals, you're not Fresh To Death. In fact, you're not even hired for season three. F on all counts, including Staten Island Representation and Buying Real Luggage to Cover Up Trashiness. She gets a sterling A+ in Hater Behavior, obvs.