5. Kasey: Yep, he'll break into your boudoir, kick off rabid dobermans, and weep onto your face in order to "guard and protect your heart," but who cares if he's psychopathic and emotional? This is The Bachelorette. We want a little Ted Bundy in our hunk smoothie. And anyway, look at that dreamy nose. If Kasey insists on serenading me with his "dying cockapoo" voice, I'll just concentrate on his nasal architecture.
4. Frank: He didn't appear on the reunion special because he was loving on some other woman, but The Bachelorette proved that a little sanity can lurk behind a demonic stare, as in Frank's case. Seriously, though, what's with the stare? You can't be a sophisticated loverman and look like Marty Feldman enjoying a LensCrafters consultation.
3. Craig: He kept calling out the absent Justin for his insincerity and self-promotional intentions, which I thought was a little annoying. Dude, hating on the easy-to-hate wrestler doesn't make us like you anymore. Still, his flashes of awareness were redeeming after 120 minutes of Kasey's traumatized whimpers.
2. Jonathan: Weather puns! Jokes about shrinkage! I love this guy. He's so wrong for Ali and so right for this show. Can't wait to see him on Bachelor Pad where his cumulonimbus disposition will never end.
1. Kirk: Can't. Handle. The pretty. I couldn't hear much of Kirk's segment last night because his manly speaking voice forced me to jump into a kitchen cabinet, leave the door open a squeak, and wail, "I was right to love you." But what I did hear was the jocular ease and believable diplomacy we've come to expect from Kirk. He seems like the frontrunner to star in the next Bachelor, so I'll wait until then to put on a wedding dress and jump in the river.