Last night on True Blood, we watched a rose-giving ceremony that will surely result in a sexless coupling wrecked by gay rumors, infidelity, and emotional abuse -- basically, it was a condensed version of this season of The Bachelorette (complete with all the gratuitous shirtlessness that implies). Does that mean that sex finally triumphed over violence this week? Let's find out!
· We get off to a rollicking start this week as Russell enters the matchy-matchy mansion and flings Bill and Sookie to the ground. Bill stakes a vampire guard into goo, then gets flung onto the ceiling (where he does not dance). Alan Ball gets the writing credit, I think, for the first time this season. (Violence: +8)
· As Eric lasciviously preens over her, and Lorena advances the idea of ribcage couture, Sookie bursts out with "Eric, what the f**k!" You guys know I have a soft spot for Anna Paquin shouting expletives. (Violence: +2)
· Lafayette and Jesus are taking it kind of slow, but as soon as Jesus affectionately calls Lafayette "Bitch," you know they're meant for each other. There will be no sex on the first date, but Lafayette will allow a kiss. Is anyone going to tell Justin Suarez what his dad is doing? (Sex: +3)
· Arlene reveals her bloody, lemony pregnancy to Jessica, but eventually they bond over Jessica's ability to glamour people into tips. Fortunately, Arlene can look the other way when Jess bites into a problem customer. (Violence: +2)
· Jason is silhouette-sexin' Crystal, but she is NOT into any pervert stuff, OK? Suddenly, she starts sniffing around, like a cat. This element to your relationship could be construed as pervert stuff, Crystal. (Sex: +3)
· Back at the mansion, Sookie confronts Eric, and they are really letting Anna Paquin do all her impressions of the other cast members this season, aren't they? Eric makes fangy threats (Violence: +1), but Russell intercedes, and he and Sookie have a good, meaty tete-a-tete.
· "How much do you miss the 1930s?" Lorena asks a tied-up Bill. "People knew how to behave." Lorena is SUCH a tea-partier. Alone in their torture dungeon together, she cuts into his chest, then cuts into her finger and plays a really weird version of blood brothers. Bill guilt-trips her into blood-crying and gets a slash to the cheek for it. (Violence: +5)
· Oh God, Tara and Franklin again! He's wearing, like, satin jammies? I mean, maybe that's all Talbot has in the guest room, but it's kind of a weird look. A tied-up Tara plays along and leans forward to kiss him, completing the odd tableau. I still don't buy the shift from savvy, one-step-ahead Franklin earlier in the season, but I guess Glee has prepared me for 180-degree character reversals at the drop of a hat. Tara gets him shirtless and then is goaded into biting him. OK, finally, a Tara/Franklin scene that's as scary and funny as I think they were intending them to be last week. (Sex: +5, Violence: +5)
· Eric is really trying to make Russell and Talbot think he could play for their team, ahem. Eric, to paraphrase Jack Donaghy, you don't have to try so hard. That powder-blue sweater is definitely bi-curious. (Sex: +3)
MIDWAY POINT: Violence is leading Sex, 23 to 14, but like Crystal, I can smell some incoming pheromones. (Or maybe I'm just having a stroke.)
· Lafayette brings Jesus home, but before they can move past the innuendo phase of their relationship, rednecks batter Laffy's car, then Laffy batters them while providing necessary exposition about his drug dealing. Jesus had never thought to ask how Lafayette could afford those cheomsangs, but he is not having it. (Violence: +2)
· Evan Rachel Wood! Yes, Queen Sophie-Anne is back, and she's frantically scratching off lottery tickets for extra cash. Russell enters and proposes to Sophie-Anne, and a vengeful Eric knocks her to the ground and puts his hand around her throat. So many almost-stranglings on this show! After Lorena did the twist, it's kind of an empty threat, isn't it? (Violence: +1)
· Eric flirts more with Russell. It would be hotter if, like all the characters on the show lately, he wasn't clearly lying through his fangs and telegraphing that to the audience. (Sex: +1)
· Meanwhile, in Dungeonville, Lorena is licking torture blood, which I'm pretty sure polite people didn't do in the 1930s. Bill is DRENCHED in plasma. Seriously, everyone is so covered in blood. Can't wait to see the syndicated version! (Violence: +5)
· Oh hey, Coot and Debbie. They come in and Coot kicks Bill as Debbie sucks his vampire blood, then they make out over Bill's prone body. If we could add some sort of scatological symbolism, this would have been a fantastic performance piece for Nao on Work of Art. (Sex: +5, Violence: +2)
· Previous episode were heavy on Sam's brother and didn't even bother to introduce Jessica until the back half of the show, but this week, the positions were switched: we see Sam's brother for the first time at the 40-minute mark, and he's shirtless. More of that, Alan Ball. (Sex: +3)
· Just when I was beginning to get used to that crazy Tara/Franklin thing, she just smashes Franklin's face clean in. So that happened! Later, she and Sookie beat a guard up while I place internal bets on whether Franklin will continue to comically stalk Tara, this time with his head falling apart like Jessica Alba in The Killer Inside Me. (Violence: +5)
· Ruh-roh, Crystal has a shirtless fiance! (Sex: +2)
· Debbie and Coot are having white trash V sex on the mansion lawn, practically. Sookie looks disgusted, but I seem to remember someone having dirt sex in a cemetery once. (Sex: +3)
· Oh hey, naked Alcide! That was brief. The schoolchildren definitely saw more than we did. (Sex: +8)
· Lorena flings Sookie against the wall and bites her. It's a fangbanger cliffhanger! (Violence: +3)
FINAL TALLY: Finally, Sex won, 43 to 41! Violence, you gave it your best -- who could forget that weird goo-staking from the cold open? -- but ultimately, it was up to Alan Ball to make things right with the most sexed-up episode since the season premiere.