Usually with our True Blood recaps, we like to tabulate sex and violence using a point system, then crown a winner at the end of the show. This week, we'd better introduce a third feature: the Franklin meter.
Has James Frain's twisted vamp continued his streak of episode-stealing subplots, or is this the week where he finally comes undone? Let's find out.
· With Tara in tow, Franklin enters the Vampire King's estate and is immediately confronted by the mincing Talbot, who treats Tara like a puppy and actually calls her "matchy-matchy," because her skin tone clashes with the decor. It was nice of them to warn us upfront that this would be a parody episode. Franklin tells Talbot to shut up, immediately winning my heart. (Franklin: +20)
· Bill, Lorena, and Russell enter, their faces and limbs still covered in blood after chowing down on Stripper Miley last week. (Violence: +2) Does anyone want a crack at Tara? "Certainly not I!" Bill doth protest-too-much. Oh Bill, you get so nineteenth century when you lie through your fangs.
· Later, Russell is haggling over money with Franklin and he still has not cleaned up his face. Grab a wet-wipe, man! Wouldn't Talbot care about this? Continuity! (Violence: +1)
· Franklin, how do you feel about your relationship with Tara? "The attraction is e-llllectric." Russell about sums things up with, "Franklin, you're a huge freak." (Franklin: +10)
· Upstairs, Lorena and Bill flirt with dried blood still all over their faces. This is getting ridiculous. They look like a hotsauce-covered Elizabeth Banks in Wet Hot American Summer. (Violence +1)
· Talbot is hot for Eric, and I just don't believe that an appearance-obsessed Talbot would be attracted to Eric in that periwinkle sweater, because even I'm having trouble with it. (Sex: +2)
· Bill, Eric, and Russell have a summit where Bill pretends he's on Russell's side. Two observations: The good actors are so bad at bad acting on this show, and Denis O'Hare's hair is so distractingly dyed that I must give it a point for visual violence, wreaked upon my eyes. (Violence: +1)
· Debbie comes upon Sookie in Alcide's love den (it may be a cute little pad, but think of the shedding), then lunges at her, shrieking, "I will cut you!" As always, anyone who lunges at Sookie is restrained before they even get close to a delightful chokehold. (Violence: +3)
· Uh-oh. Tara is tied up in Franklin's guest room, wearing a curtain or something, because Franklin is in love with her. This is actually super dorky, Franklin. You've gone from Season Two Spike to Season Four Spike in just one episode. (Franklin: -10)
· Oh wait! Franklin gets chokey with Tara when she gets a text from Lafayette. Poor Tara always has to inherit Sookie's deferred chokings. (Franklin: +10, Violence: +7)
· Aaand Franklin suddenly becomes that guy who never gets off his smartphone, telling Tara, "Watch how fast I type 'motherf**ka.'" Oh, guys. I'm sure this scene cracked them up in the writers room, but I kind of preferred Franklin as a scary, seductive know-it-all, not a blithering idiot. That's what we have Jason Stackhouse for. (Franklin: -10)
· Sam's brother throws a box at him too hard. This is how Sam's latest exciting storyline begins! (Violence: -3)
· Upon learning that Terry is shacking up with Arlene, Sam gives him a very lingering hug. it's not as shirtless as his last man/man pecs/pecs hug, but that was a hard act to follow. (Sex: +1)
· Back at the Vampire King estate, a fully clothed Franklin apparently fell asleep beside Tara after showing her how fast he can beat a level of Angry Birds. Frankie, what happened to our love? (Franklin: -5)
· Jason is bored at the office and indulges in some wacky hijinks, which finally crystallized the thought for me that this is the episode that someone will use for the inevitable "What's True Blood like with a laugh track?" Youtube. (Violence: +1, for falling out of his chair)
· A fleeing Tara is attacked by Coot. That sentence probably can't be improved upon. (Violence: +2)
· Lafayette has sort of an awkward flirty thing with the visiting Jesus. Even more awkward is the fact that Lafayette is in a cheomsang or something? He looks like if Jada Pinkett Smith talked her way into presenting at the Asian Excellence Awards, because Jaden was in The Karate Kid. (Sex: +2)
MIDWAY POINT: The Franklin and Violence meters are tied at 15, while Sex lags frightfully behind at 5.
· Once again, Jessica's first appearance in the episode is after the half-hour mark. Dock points! (Sex: -10, Violence: -10, Franklin: -10)
· Fortunately, Sam's little bro is into her. Downside: It means she won't reconnect with Hoyt just yet. Upside: Sam might finally get a storyline, by proxy! (Sex: +1)
· Shirtless Jason (Sex: +5) is washing his squad car and he sees the Kristin Chenoweth-looking girl from the drug bust a few weeks back. He pursues her in the squad car and, honest to God, Hee Haw music plays! Maybe they don't need that laugh track after all.
· Franklin is absurdly crying over Tara, and I hope against hope that this is more of that "good actors who are bad at bad acting" shtick, but no. It seems our Franklin really is kind of a nutbar, alas. (Franklin: -5)
· Hey, a Bill/Coot fight! Coot says, "Suck that dick!" but Bill only does that in Sam's fantasies (and that one time in college). One vampire guard gets his face melted on the silver doors, which kind of reminds me of Gremlins for some reason, and also makes me want a waffle. (Violence: +10)
· Here is a note I took about this next scene: "jason crystal innocent flirting sadface conversation kissing." That about sums it up. (Sex: +3)
· Eric is still wearing the bizarre light blue v-neck. WHO costumed this episode? Russell invites him to indulge Talbot while he's away. Oh he will! (Sex: +1)
· Sam's faux dad attacks him for being nice to his brother. At this point, Sam would have to shape-shift into a Kraken (while post-coital with Bill, natch) to make this subplot work. (Violence: +4)
· Franklin is so mad that Tara has to eat day lilies, and he smashes the bowl. Out of all the characters in this episode who are quite obviously lying through their teeth, Tara is actually pretty funny right now. "I have to eat. It's a thing." Franklin promises that he will turn her into his vampire bride. It would have been scarier if Old Franklin had said that -- and yes, Franklin of two episodes is officially "Old Franklin." We move fast on True Blood. (Violence: +2, Franklin: -5)
· Eric and Talbot check out Japanese vampire erotica specifically so you'll think this is the episode with the much ballyhooed Eric/Talbot sex scene. It isn't! (Sex: +1)
· Viking Eric flashback! He's lusty and long-haired and finger-banging a wench, Don Draper-style. Was this his screen-test for Thor? Alexander, you may have dodged a bullet. (Sex: +5)
· Uh oh, wolves attacked Eric's family! For the first time this season, there is some bad werewolf CG straight out of New Moon as one is impaled. (Violence: +4)
· Bill comes to Alcide's to embrace Sookie and warn her, but WHAT is Bill wearing? Like a Puma zip-up or something? This may be even worse than Eric's H&M sweater. Coot and his friends attack and Sookie blasts Coot with a ball of magic straight out of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, but it's OK, because a lot more people saw this than will ever see that. (Violence: +5)
FINAL TALLY: Violence wins again with a score of 30 points, while Sex staged a comeback to finish off at 11 and the inaugural Franklin meter (once so promising!) finished at a measly negative 5. The solution is clear: Franklin needs to have choke-sex with a naked Anna Paquin that would make even David Carradine blush. Get on it, Alan Ball.