Two weeks ago on True Blood, Sookie met the strapping Alcide and Bill blew our sex-and-violence metering systems when he twisted Lorena's head around like those knotted cheeses that always look so intriguing at Whole Foods. Fortunately, tech support has us back up and running, so let's monitor last night's episode and see whether sex or violence came out ahead:
· Bill calls Sookie to break up with her (Emotional Violence: +5). "Shut the f**k up," cries Sookie. There is nothing better than Sookie cursing. Bill tells her that he's slept with Lorena, adding, "We f**ked like only two vampires can." Nice try, Bill, but the f-word packs a lot more punch when it comes from a little girl who dressed like a blueberry at the Academy Awards once.
· There is a good helping of sexual tension between Sookie and Alcide as they administer to one another (Sex: +5), defused somewhat by Sookie's line reading of "I don't have a nutsack" and Alcide's unnecessary "At least let me go put on a shirt." (Sex: -3)
· Franklin glamours Tara into providing exposition on all the main characters, then bites into her. She really should have kept that going. "What do you want to know about Hoyt? Arlene? The boring sheriff? I've got tons!" (Violence: +4)
· Post-coitus, Lorena fixes the crick in her neck, and Bill smacks her, to Lorena's evident delight. There is a big Xenia-Onatopp-from-Goldeneye vibe happening here. (Violence: +5, Sex: +3)
· Flying Eric is kind of pissed that his sexual tension with Sookie has been supplanted by Alcide, so he imagines some dream-sex with the Sook. Anna Paquin does not take her top off, which is definitely the most startling part of this scene. (Sex: +3)
· Boring Sheriff is still not totally gone from this show yet! At his retirement party, Jason tries to pick a fight with new quarterback Kitsch (as in Taylor Kitsch?). Jason, nobody wins in a battle with kitsch on True Blood. (Violence: +1)
· In order to pass among the wolves, Alcide's sister dresses Sookie up like Sydney Bristow infiltrating a goth club in Alias. (Sex: +1) Alcide sees her and growls a little and punches a wall, because every man on this show must punch a wall at some point. (Violence: +1)
· Franklin offers flowers to the tied-up Tara, along with a creepy "missed you." Franklin is so the Season Two Spike of this show. (Violence: +2)
· It took 25 minutes to introduce Jessica in this episode, so both of the meters deserve to get docked for that. (Violence: -5, Sex -5)
MIDWAY POINT: Violence leads Sex, 13 to 4. I haven't seen a single naked butt yet. What is this, Vampire Diaries?
· Poor Lafayette is still marooned out in the boondocks of a V-dealing subplot, where his beatdown is thwarted by a chokey Eric. Can we please get cracking with Lafayette's love interest already? (Violence: +3)
· You'll note that I have ignored the Sam storyline. It's better that way! The only thing worth mentioning: Sam's brother finally fulfills his role's rear nudity stipulation. (Sex: +4)
· Pam is kidnapped by the magister and tortured, and not in a good "power-f**king the Estonian dancer" kind of way. (Violence: +5)
· Hi, topless dancers in the club Bill is at! It's good that HBO signed holding deals with you after The Sopranos went off the air.. One of them looks like "Can't Be Tamed" Miley Cyrus, which is unsettling. (Sex: +10)
· Let's meet Debbie Pelt, another redhead! She is Alcide's ex and has an amazing Shaun White mullet. Eventually, Russell shows up, bites into his arm to supply the wolves with his blood, and then they all do shots. (Violence: +3)
· Bill's private Miley takes her top off, all the better to distract from the umpteenth on-the-nose conversation about this episode's themes, where a minor character describes his or her troubles in a way that crystallizes something for the listening lead. Is this Grey's Anatomy or something? (Sex: +7)
· Debbie is branded a member of her wolfpack as Cooter as he licks her wound ewwww. Everyone starts wolfing out, and Alcide tells Sookie to flee. Does this mean we won't have a warehouse full of naked, post-were extras in episode five? (Violence: +5)
· Lorena bites into Stripper Miley, then Russell, then Beel, and blood congeals and drips from the floor of their car. I just went through this same thing yesterday with the mild hot sauce from my Del Taco drive-thru quesadilla. (Violence: +5)
FINAL TALLY: Though Sex rallied, Violence still beat it, 30 to 25. Needs more Skarsgard man-licking.