How Chad Ochocinco's Reality TV Career Jumped the Shark within the First Minute of Ultimate Catch

No, Ultimate Catch is not the new, post-stroke title of Deadliest Catch -- it's football star Chad Ochocinco's VH1 reality series where he combs a casting pool of hundreds to find a wife/fiancee/girlfriend/any old person. If anyone's right for a televised dating spree, it's Ochocinco, who comes with ready-made catchphrases like "Child, please" and a rambunctiousness that defined his recent stint on Dancing with the Stars, but it took all of 60 seconds for the #85 Bengal to squander his telegenic goods on this abysmal new series.

The first 40 seconds of Ultimate Catch look like a Gatorade commercial from 1997, complete with stadium sprints and blurry perspiration shots. Lame, but acceptable; it's at the 50-second mark when Ultimate Catch starts bobbing for our tolerance, just as Ochocinco utters in a monotone drawl, "I am known for my colorful personality."

Voila. One producer-fed line vanquishes Ochocinco's hard-earned rascal cred. The best reality stars know how to ratchet up their spectacle through staged confessionals and suggested storylines (think Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian, who demand attention when "taking Miami" but are positively moribund outside of E!), yet Ochocinco can't even be bothered to rouse himself as he's reading his own bio. Pardon my timing, but child, please: This guy will never be Tila Tequila.