Movieline

Introducing Warehouse 13's Relic Roundup: H.G. Wells, Bad Guy?

    • I know why you watch Warehouse 13. It's not for the Mulder and Scully-like partnership between Pete and Myka, or for Claudia's sharp glibness or for the generous doses of steampunk. It's all about the relics -- the apologetically cheesy, ultra-satisfying history tweaks that make SyFy's sophomore drama the best thing the network has spawned since last year's post-Battlestar Galactica rebranding. And, yeah, of course a little steampunk flavoring never hurt anyone.

    And so, delightfully cheesy artifacts fresh in mind, behold Movieline's compendium of those relics from last night's season-two premiere Time Will Tell, ranked by covetability.

    Last season ended with the agents' nemesis -- MacPherson (Roger Rees) -- apparently blowing up warehouse master Artie (Saul Rubinek) before fleeing the warehouse for unknown, surely nefarious purposes. And nefarious indeed! MacPherson breaks H.G. Wells out of the warehouse's "bronzer" (yes, it looks a lot like being encased in carbonite) where the first of our artifacts is uncovered:

    Artifact: H.G. Wells

    Specifications: According to Warehouse lore, Wells was actually sort of a man-hating lady (Dexter's Jaime Murray), which is a big surprise for Pete and Myka, who unknowingly run into the charming author in her London home. She explains she was "bronzed" because her peers would rather believe in the possibility of time travel than the possibility of a woman dreaming it up. She's been stewing about that for a hundred years or so, completely immobile. Season two, we have a villain!

    Covetability: N/A.

    Artifact: Durational Spectrometer

    Specifications: Details about this one's origins are slim, but scanning an area with the durational spectrometer tells you what's passed through it in the last five hours.

    Covetability: Low. This is what security cameras are (much better) for.

    Artifact: Harriet Tubman's Thimble

    Specifications: Slip this puppy on your little finger and you can transform into whoever you want! This week, it helps MacPherson impersonate/frame Claudia for letting him escape the bronzer.

    Covetability: Medium-high. If only Polyjuice Potion were so easy to whip up.

    Artifact: The Phoenix

    Specifications: Good news: It protects Artie from MacPherson's bomb. Bad news? Anyone who hasn't touched it is in danger of spontaneously combusting. Fortunately, it's only MacPherson who bites it in this episode. And he was so last season.

    Covetability: Low. This one's more trouble than it's worth.

    Artifact: The Pearl of Wisdom

    Specifications: Implant this into your target's ear and you can make them do or think anything you want.

    Covetability: Medium. Tempting, but certainly not very practical. It practically takes an outpatient procedure to install it, which doesn't make it too helpful in a pinch.

    Artifact: The Imperceptor Vest

    Specifications: This steampunk-inspired corset makes you move so fast that you can't be seen. Wells uses it to navigate the Warehouse vault and grab up M.C. Escher's compact, which she's apparently been fantasizing about during her 100-year stay in the bronzer.

    Covetability: Medium. It's hard to imagine you could move so fast in something as bulky as hell.

    Did you catch last night's premiere? Tell us how much you want Harriet Tubman's Thimble. Or are you holding out for a Farnsworth?