It's become a True Blood tradition: a few episodes into the season, Michael Lehmann will direct an installment featuring a wild sex scene that leaves everyone talking. Last year, it involved a Bon Temps Burning Man festival where outside, women smeared their boobs with dirt while inside, Mehcad Brooks impressively tried to steal the show's rear acreage crown from Ryan Kwanten. How did this season's episode compare? Let's just say that there was a head-turning moment that made the sex and violence tallies shoot way, way up.
· Sookie Matrix-shoots a werewolf, then Eric jumps in front and takes the bullet (Violence: +5). The wolf naked-morphs (Sex +2) as Eric give the line "Who do you work for?" his best Jack Bauer. Sookie looks on miserably, because no one wants to be the Renee Walker in this scenario.
· So much carnage! The wolf bites into Eric, Sookie shoots him, and Eric finally sinks his teeth in. At least Sookie's Merlotte's tee is still immaculate. (Violence: +10)
· As burned-up Lorena recovers (Violence: +3), Talbot queens out about the ruined tapestry. I feel like we could write most of Talbot's lines at this point. "Bill! This is a eigh-teenth cen-tur-ee alabaster vase! Please don't throw it at Lor-e-na!"
· Tara and Franklin are having weird stare-sex. She offers him a bite, but he declines because she's asking for it -- instead, he goes in through the backdoor. "I never do this," says Tara, referring to the nudity rider in her contract. (Sex: +5)
· Sam's dad is still in his skivvies. It is about as desirable as this whole boring storyline. Literally, this is an entire scene about whether Sam should stay on the pull-out couch or something. Just go to bed and have some more homoerotic sex dreams, Sam. That's when we like you. (Sex: -5)
· Pam should really get a receptionist so as not to interrupt her oral on the new dancer. Live and learn! (Sex: +3)
· Sookie pays for a funeral for Eggs, which really saps Tara of a good strangling opportunity. Boo, Sook. (Violence: -5)
· Flashback time! Bill blood-cries over his son's dead body. His wife shoots him in the shoulder. Lorena appears, which is confusing, because she's basically a doppleganger of the wife but with better hair and makeup. I guess Bill really had a type back then. (Violence: +2)
· Twice in this episode, Bill wakes up barechested from a flashback. Good of Stephen Moyer to not wear a bra to bed, like so many actors do onscreen. (Sex: +2)
· Oh no, Jason's terrible bullethole visions are back. Upside: a half-moon shot! (Violence: +1, Sex: +1)
· Hoyt finds the corpse who's gone missing from Jessica's house. It ain't much, but at least it's a Hoyt scene. (Violence: +1)
· If there's one thing True Blood needs, it's more potential suitors for Sookie. Meet Alcide, the tall, strapping werewolf who (contrary to reports) does not get naked in this episode. This is the equivalent of making us wait for the third date, isn't it? (Sex: -3)
MIDWAY POINT: Violence is far outdrawing sex, 17 points to 5. If Sam's dad would just get a nice pair of shorts, this could all be avoided.
· Boring sheriff quits because this show is too violent and has too many characters. Bye, boring sheriff! (Violence: -2)
· Jason envisions a bullethole on Tara's forehead. Not this again. (Violence: +1)
· Eric has heard rumors that he has a big gay sex scene coming up in the series, so he heads to Lafayette's to gift him with a car and practice his same-sex flirtations. It goes...OK. (Sex: +1)
· Sam has to deal with his family being embarrassing and belligerent at his bar. What is UP with this storyline? This is a show about monsters, people.
· At Jessica's, Franklin pulls out a dismembered head. Franklin is the best character on the show. (Violence: +5)
· Sookie flirts with a werewolf who kinda sorta tries to rape her until Alcide intervenes with fisticuffs. Good thing we didn't have a rape scene in this episode. Phew! (Violence: +5, Sex: +2)
· OH WAIT. Bill totally loses it and kinda-rapes Lorena (well, I would need to defer to Whoopi Goldberg to decide if this was rape-rape or not), then twists her head around as though her neck was taffy, which I like to do with Starburst candy when they're warm and pliable. I don't have sex with them, though. (Violence: ∞, Sex: ∞)
FINAL TALLY: That hissing noise you hear? It isn't Eric intimidating some werewolf, or Pam murmuring a leftover Samantha Jones line into the crotch of an alluring Estonian dancer. No, it's the hiss of smoke escaping from the sex and violence meters, both of which were busted by that final, over-the-top scene. (It may also be a hiss of relief from journalists who were sent this episode weeks ago, yet had to keep quiet about its, er, twist all this time.) It's a tie! Stay tuned this week for our interview with Mariana Klaveno about just how they shot that crazy f***king sex scene.