On today's episode of Studfinder, we dredge up the best five dudes from last night's Broadway-bound episode of The Bachelorette. Did Ali send the right hunks of burning love to the incinerator? Did she pick the right amateur to go onstage with her for a Lion King cameo? And most importantly, who gave us the best sh*t metaphor of the night? Join us as we rank the five finest men who are vying (and often crying) for Ali's affection.
5. Kasey: Ali is the dumbest romantic ever if she thinks Kasey is less than sincere. The problem is he's too sincere, like Norman Bates reciting poetry while staring into the eyes of a stuffed falcon. His appraisal of Ali's romantic journey was... also really something. "Ali was cocooned, and she was trapped in this, in this, y'know, foundation of trying to look for love. She didn't get it from Jake or anyone else. Now she's expanded into this beautiful butterfly and she's ready and she's open for love." He's the sweetest guy ever who will hide in your linen closet all night muttering, "I will always guard your heart," into the air vent. Still sweet though! Even with his stupid new tattoo! I also end my self-written serenades by announcing, "That's pretty intense stuff."
4. Jonathan: I do not care that Jonathan was eliminated. I just care that he launches into weatherman metaphors with gusto. Ahem: "Forecast was for sunny skies and just out of the blue this storm just, like, crapped in my face. And now I smell like a sh*tstorm and it's not good. I need a shower. To shower off the sh*t." Sounds like an updated version of "Landslide," actually.
3. Chris L.: I don't want to hear about when he moved home to live with his dying mother anymore, but I like that he seems able to be expressive and self-deprecating. OK, that doesn't sound impressive. But when it comes to Bachelorette contestants, you must understand that the presence of basic human qualities is startling.
2. Roberto: I believed Ali (for once) when she claimed that Roberto was the only contestant she could have performed in The Lion King with. After forcing the contestants to sing "The Circle of Life," one of the more heartfelt odes to animal sex I've ever heard, Roberto was the clear victor. The presence of his pectorals helped somewhat.
1. Kirk: My favorite blond didn't even have a stellar episode, but he did rock Ali to sleep when she came down with a cold after her scintillating Broadway debut. That's the spiky-haired, volleyball-badass, manly-laughing chivalry I expect from him, and that's why he's going to win this whole thing. He doesn't need a tattoo or cumulonimbus similes -- just the Mattel haircut, Malibu complexion, and un-Psycho grin. He's a shower scene I'd pay to see!