1. Baywatch
The Hoff will always be Mitch Buchannon to us, and I'm sure someone will Wiki the fact that Baywatch is "the most watched show of all time." Your awe is inevitably occurring in slow motion.
Best Handled by: Former roast subject Pamela Anderson, who will coo, "Yasmine Bleeth wanted to be here, except she's conquering out conquering the surf. Of sweet, sweet cocaine."
2. The drunken burger crawl
Hasselhoff's daughter made a blackmail tape that's a viral treat for the ages. This should serve as the night's centerpiece -- hell, even KITT himself can pretend to chew a burger.
Best Handled by: Jeffrey Ross, who'll say, "I haven't seen a crawl like that since Betty White spilled Vicodin in a wine cellar."
3. Germany
The phrase "Germans love David Hasselhoff" is so well-known that it deserves an entry in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. The sentiment is deserved: Hasselhoff's 1989 single "Looking for Freedom" shot to No. 1 in Germany after the Berlin Wall fell, and five other Hasselhoff singles eventually charted there, too.
Best Handled by: Norm MacDonald, who used the Hasselhoff/Germany connection often during his tenure as Weekend Update anchor on SNL. "You sang to crowds on the Berlin Wall the day it fell! On the wall! That's why Reagan had to say, "Mr. Gorbachev, keep this wall up forever. Surround it with hungry, loud wolves. You idiot."
4. Being replaced by Howie Mandel
America's Got Talent's judges table served as Hasselhoff's TV home for four years until Howie Mandel replaced him last week. To give the Hoff some credit, he did outlast Brandy.
Best Handled by: Joan Rivers, who will squawk, "I can't believe you were kicked off America's Got Talent just when you were starting to look like Susan Boyle."
5. "Jump in my Car"
Hasselhoff's non-smash from 2006 is like Billy Ocean's "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" except with the Caribbean charm or regular charm. Gotta love the BK Broiler flames that crop up halfway through.
Best Handled by: Lisa Lampanelli, who will bellow, "Jump in your car? You mean the hearse waiting for you outside of Red Robin?"