Last week on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jacqueline drank wine and played with loaded guns while Christopher worked an afternoon shift at Scores strip club. The episode was packed with sex and violence and -- fortunately for viewers -- both elements continued in last night's installment, which found Danielle hiring ex-cons to protect her at a gun-sponsored cancer benefit and Teresa contemplating new forms of birth control. So pour yourself a glass of your husband's finest Port, drape yourself in his ammo belts and click through to see which moments hit the Real/Fake Jackpot in last night's episode, "Into the Lion's Den."
REAL: The Ham Game is the Only Way to Welcome Guests into Your Home
I'm willing to bet any viewer 1,000 fist pumps that they had never heard of the Ham Game before The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Because this game is so stupid that it could have only come from the hair gel-damaged brains of Christopher and Albie Manzo, sons of Caroline. Despite its ridiculousness, Bravo producers always find time to include footage of the Ham Game in an episode if it is available.
For those who did not watch, the Ham Game goes like this:
1) A player sneaks into the refrigerator and covertly grabs a slice of ham
2) That player then launches the slice of ham at an unsuspecting person in the kitchen
That is it. The Manzos have spent long afternoons fighting over the Ham Game. Caroline thinks it is wasteful -- "Why throw away good ham?" Albie and Christopher think that it is an indispensable pastime and that Caroline should buy "good ham and game ham" so that the family at least has some cheap cold cuts to throw at each other. Usually, everyone can have a good laugh about the game but when Caroline heard suspicious rifling inside the refrigerator in last night's episode, she flipped: "Christopher Thomas Manzo! I heard the ham! Put the ham away, Christopher!"
It was too late though. Christopher already had the ham in his hand and threw it at his mother to nearly everyone's delight. Later, Christopher discussed his mother's opposition to the family game via confessional: "My mom's just a Debbie Downer when it comes to the Ham Game. I don't even know of a better way to welcome Johnny." I don't know either, Christopher. I don't know, either.
FAKE: Danielle Has a "Good Grasp on Reality"
Last night, Danielle did the impossible: She stole thunder from a BABY WITH CANCER. The Manzo-owned Brownstone was hosting an event to raise money for a New Jersey area family who could not afford the hospital costs for their BABY WITH CANCER. It was a low-key event -- the entire community came out to help this family in need and maybe win a gun raffle, who knows? But Danielle, the sworn enemy of the other housewives did not feel safe attending the event alone -- even though it was not about her -- and formed her own entourage. The entourage consisted of Danny, a scary ex-con who confessed to cameras that he could not have a drink for "six more days because [I'm] still on parole," a few of Danny's ex-con friends, some Hell's Angels and a camera crew.
When Danielle discovered that there were no seats for her plus-size entourage (since they had not purchased tickets), she and Danny threw a fit. They yakked to anyone who would listen (including the family whose BABY WAS SUFFERING FROM CANCER) that they were being forced out of the event and that this was the work of the evil housewives. Danny's eyes bulged and he paced in angry circles, contemplating whether it was worth it to violate his parole by unleashing hell onto this BABY CANCER event. And for a second, it looked like he might. Danny and his ex-cons sized up the room, wondering how many of these benefit patrons they could take. But at the last minute, Danielle decided that her over-sized party should "leave with dignity" so they walked out, shouting "F*ck the Manzos!" the whole way.