We're just nanoseconds away from Dancing with the Stars's 10th season finale. Who'll walk off with the life-size platinum sculpture "Bruno Tonioli Descending a Pile of Thai Men"? Could it be Nicole Scherzinger, the reliable Pussycat Doll? What about Evan Lysacek, who has the personality of a Felix the Cat clock? Or could ESPN personality Erin Andrews come from behind with a victory? We've posted their two performances (a "freestyle" and a "redemption" dance, where the contestants retry a flub from earlier in the season), put in our two cents, and rewritten the judges' comments for your pleasure. Spoiler: A certain Olympian goes a little Tonya Harding in the membrane.
Erin Andrews
Combined Score: 55
Movieline Response: Primed, impressive, and just in time. Please stop wearing sidewalk-chalk-colored outfits.
Carrie Ann: "Your lines were so sleek! Your choreography so refined. Just touch my thigh. Just once."
Len: "Well, well! A comeback! I wasn't in love with the freestyle, darling, it seemed sort of like a pillow fight with the girl in the harem who cries for no reason. A little too much 'emotion and commotion.'"
Bruno: "Some psychodrama out there! A bed AWNSTAGE? With faded blue sheets?! Grrrrrr! I'm thinking of sex!"
Evan Lysacek
Combined Score: 52
Movieline Response: Evan's "redemption" Viennese Waltz scintillated, but his "freestyle" was a tad too free. Like, Ben Stiller as the unhinged camp counselor in Heavyweights "free."
Carrie Ann: "Um, pretty Waltz! Otherwise... are you sure you aren't the light-bulb-haired guy from Million Dollar Listing? You haven't proven yourself a real person yet. Time's ticking."
Len: "That freestyle was a poor compromise: Anna, you looked sluggish. Evan, you looked like Kenny Loggins killing himself in a fire."
Bruno: "You cat-eyed little doggy. I was so EXCITED to watch you break loose! But you lost some of your form. Freaky-deeky! I now call the cops on your drugged-up hide."
Nicole Scherzinger
Combined Score: 55
Movieline Response: Nicole finally misstepped (on her partner's leg) during her "freestyle," but her exhilarated pupils remain in the shape of winner circles.
Carrie Ann: "You two were like a dancing octopus out there with all your limbs! Bruno got ink on the entire front row."
Len: "Lively and wonderful! Your inevitable victory gets exciting sometimes."
Bruno: "YOU ARE KERRR-AZZEEEE. And a little clumsy at the end. Meow to you anyway, m'dear."