Color me shocked, boys and girls. What's the secret to becoming Donald Trump's trusted, uber-professional apprentice? Simple: Be the most (lovably) unprofessional contestant in Celebrity Apprentice history. Tah-dah! After the show's giant finale and parade of arbitrary judging, Trump gave Bret Michaels the Celebrity Apprentice victory over runner-up Holly Robinson Peete for one ostensible reason: He was brave to attend the live finale just days after another staggering health setback. Look, I admire the hell out of Bret Michaels for going through with the taping, but does that mean he should've beaten Holly? After her record-high fund-raising and strong leadership? No way. However, I happen to love Bret Michaels, so let's toast Trump's newest yes-man with a retrospective of his most unprofessional Celebrity Apprentice moments.
· Hitting on fellow contestants
During the 24-Hour Fitness challenge, Bret gave expert analysis on competitor Maria Kanellis' ass: "I'm just a man that wants to learn about physical education. That's why I'm staring at Maria's buns of steel." You were foolish enough to believe that language belonged only on Rock of Love Bus. You may leave the boardroom.
· Inventing wiener choreography
In the same episode, Bret helped get creative juices flowing (yikes) by creating groupie-themed dance moves. My favorite pose of all? The one he called "Pump up the wiener," wherein a participant gyrates wildly as if fornicating with a jean-skirted mother of four from Tuscaloosa.
· A slight problem with getting to the point
Bret's leadership skills were lovable, libidinous, and... ineffective. During the deodorant commercial shoot, he took 15 minutes to explain his concept, which involved a doorbell, hitting Clyde Drexler with a basketball, weird editing, and another 14 minutes of making "director" hand gestures.
· Yelling at women to strip
In the premiere episode, Bret and the dudes won their challenge and sat in the lobby watching Trump fire Carol Leifer. But as Carol Leifer and Sharon Osbourne sparred, Bret told the two to "Take your clothes off for the cat fight." I had to lower my bandanna over my eyes that time.
· Creating a senseless Snapple commercial
While the rest of Bret's final Snapple presentation -- including the diabetes charity tie-in advertorial and his new Snapple flavor label "Trop-a-Rocka" -- went well, his Snapple commercial fell flat. He was so determined to get a dolly shot of himself holding the Snapple bottle that the coherence of his commercial suffered. Teammate Summer Sanders was the first to notice this, of course, because guess what? She's the only contestant you'd ever actually hire.