Optimism will make a long-awaited return to Movieline's American Idol coverage next week when we list the 10 best performances of season nine. For now, things are a little grim. Over this dubious season we've witnessed plenty of bland performances thanks to themes like "Inspiration Week," but terrible performances, luckily, haven't been as prevalent. It's time to commemorate the jaw-droppingly bad moments from season nine, the times when even Randy Jackson forced himself to articulate for the sake of America's kids. Ready for the worst?
5. Andrew Garcia, "Genie in a Bottle"
Maybe this deserves a dishonorable mention rather than a position on the list. But probably not. Cooing "Genie in a Bottle's" creepy, jailbait lyrics and banking on kitsch appeal is just ridiculous enough to earn a spot. Andrew Garcia chased the judges' adoration for his Hollywood Week "Straight Up" cover like a villainous dogcatcher. As I said at the time, this song choice was so bad that it alone proved he didn't belong in the competition. "My heart is saying 'no,'" indeed.
4. John Park, "God Bless the Child"
His "Gravity" cover wasn't much better, but John Park took the most enormous tumble from grace during his Top 24 run with this cover of the jazz standard. Shania Twain may have once touted his gifts, but this performance was irrelevant, soulless, and excruciatingly phrased. His quick path to eviction hit a milestone here.
3. Haeley Vaughn, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
And such a nice, smiley girl! But Haeley went for "artistry" here, trying an acoustic original with her cover of the Beatles staple, and oh, God, what happened. Her "The Climb" was equally ridiculous, but the trills and yelps and screams of her first performance remain a source of trauma for Ed Sullivan fans around the globe.
2. Paige Miles "Against All Odds"
Simon Cowell declared Paige Miles an early front-runner, but she never quite took off on the Idol stage. By the time she arrived at the Top 11, she'd all but deflated -- which is enraging when you consider that Lilly Scott and Katelyn Epperly bit the dust before her. Randy Jackson's post-performance laugh-laugh-laugh-sigh-"That was terrible" said it all. Was there even a melody here? Paige seemed like a nice girl, but nothing about this train wreck says, "Take a look at me now."
1. Tim Urban, "Sweet Love"
This terrible performance had it all: wretched song choice, goofy phrasing, pitch issues, awkward staring, and Idol's tuneless troubadour Tim Urban. Weeks before this performance, Ellen DeGeneres dismissed his singing abilities entirely, saying, "I see you on TV... not so much with the singing." Tim's attempt to rebound with this Anita Baker hit -- with its pristine runs and soulfulness -- was ludicrous. Sure, his "Apologize" wasn't good, and his reggae-influenced "Under My Thumb" stung us in the feelings, but no other song choice or performance felt as insanely bad as this one. Guest mentor Usher did all he could not to yell "S.O.S." and run into the street.