When unpacking a season finale, most showrunners choose between a vast array of industry approved cliffhangers -- like surprise pregnancies, unexpected births, strange bedfellows, could-be-fatal gunshot wounds in the final moments -- to goose fan interest during the summer months. But leave it to Gossip Girl executive producers Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage to find room for all of those plus a slightly incestuous kiss between Dan and Serena. This finale had it all: Jenny lost her V-card to Chuck Bass (never mind that he tried to date rape her in season one); Nate and Serena broke up; Chuck and Blair reconciled ever briefly, until it was revealed that he slept with Jenny; Jenny left town; Dorota had her baby; Georgina showed up pregnant with Dan's baby; and Chuck was shot in the belly in the episode's final moments by some callous robbers. Needless to say, with events that drastic, the Gossip Girl-spun puns were at a precious minimum. Still, to the list!
· "You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, no matter how far you run, you can never truly escape. Everything catches up to you in the end, and when it does, it usually kicks your ass."
Bad news Gossip Girl: This isn't the "Cliche Index." As such...
Puntastic Rating: 0 out of 5.
· "Spotted: A family reunion only Faulkner would approve of. I used to think that S and Lonely Boy were the most boring couple on the Upper East Side. But what makes them actually great together is when they're supposed to be with other people."
This is the first reference to Absalom, Absalom! on The CW since ever. (Unless you count the steamy sexual tension between Dixon and Annie on 90210.) No pun, but does that matter?
Puntastic Rating: 5 out of 5.
· "Spotted atop the Empire... State Building that is. A boy billionaire, flowers in hand. Oh Chuck, if you could only see into Brooklyn, you could turn that frown upside down. Then again, maybe you should guard your heart. Dorota's water might not be the only thing breaking tonight."
One major problem with the Blair and Chuck Affair to Remember storyline: The invention of cell phones. Like Blair, having decided to actually meet Chuck atop the Empire State Building (or risk losing him forever), wouldn't have called if she was running late? It's less romantic, maybe, but still practical. And it would have stopped Chuck from sleeping with Jenny. Anyway! Correlating Chuck's heart and Dorota's water was a stroke of genius. Obviously.
Puntastic Rating: 5 out of 5.
· "And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown -- our future. We set out for far-off places and try to find ourselves. Or try to lose ourselves, exploring pleasures closer to home. The problems start when we refuse to let change happen and cling to old habits. But if we hold onto the past too tight, the future may never come. Til death do us part."
What an incredible jumble of meaningless words replete with zero puns. Of course the final part of this monologue ran over images of Chuck getting shot by robbers in Prague. Naturally. Don't sweat it though, Chuck Bass fans. Despite getting the best last words of all time -- "I'm Chuck Bass" -- Stephanie Savage told Michael Ausiello that everyone's favorite teenage billionaire would be returning in season four. And here's hoping for amnesia!
Puntastic Rating: 0 out of 5.