We're just a quickstep away from the finals, where the awful Lady Gaga karaoke and "Spanish" costuming should reach record levels of incredibility. Last night Chad Ochocinco, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, and uncontested boogie emperor Nicole Scherzinger flew into mad versions of ballroom and waltz styles. While Nicole did give the best performance of the season with her Argentina Tango-- nay, the best performance in the show's history -- we saw her closest runner-up narrow the gap with wild excitement. Let's revisit each set of performances, replay what the judges really said (at least to our ears), and begin to wave goodbye as Chad Ochocinco takes home an inevitable fourth place.
Erin Andrews
Combined Score: 56
Carrie Ann: "You're so strong out there! And not nervous, and letting go! And just like Nicole but without the energy. Getting there!"
Len: "I just loved you, darling! The kind of magic that I reserve specifically for a third-place finish. Greatish job."
Bruno: "Touch me! I need it! Please! Well done, I mean."
Nicole Scherzinger
Combined Score: 59
Carrie Ann: "This is the first time... in quite some time... that I've cried. I'm crying. You mounted that blond Mattel man with such poise, and with such an elastic groin. So lyrical."
Len: "You have to be here next week. What, like we want a Chad Ochocinco/Erin Andrews finale? I'd rather be on the receiving end of one of Bruno's meth-addled pelvic thrusts."
Bruno: "Ay, yiy, yiy, you minxy purple slave princess with your sexy-ass language and your prostitute allure. Perfection! MUH-HA! Come now, leap onto my starving toddler face. Get gooey with your Gerber Graduate rump all on my mouth. Thank you."
Chad Ochocinco
Combined Score: 52
Carrie Ann: "Chad, you nailed that waltz! Who is this refined, fluid, shirtless man? Full of posture! Not so full of shirt! More of the less shirt! Shirt!
Len: "Chad, you're the only one here with no dance background. And lord alive, it shows. But you did dance out there. Nice! Try!"
Bruno: "Mad respect, King Naked. I bow at your Ghiradelli groin and await Willy Wonka to descend from the bell tower. Sprinkle me with dew."
Evan Lysacek
Combined Score: 59
Carrie Ann: "You were so guttural and visceral and powerful today! It was like watching Pinocchio turn into a real ballerina named Susan."
Len: "Lots of pizazz! Very fun! Disconcertingly alive, coming from you."
Bruno: "(Indistinguishable wails and whimpers. Pained wolf somewhere in there. Took a bite of the table.)"