While Ryan Murphy was penning an open letter to Newsweek last night, his Glee characters were fighting their own battles within the confines of William McKinley High School. Each character given a storyline in this week's episode "Laryngitis" was stripped of his or her defining superpower and had to adjust to life without. First, Rachel lost her much-vaunted voice, then Puck forfeited his mohawk and in effect, his popularity. Kurt briefly sacrificed his comically overdrawn gayness for comically overdrawn straightness (by wearing overalls and singing John Mellencamp) in an attempt to impress his father. And most tragically of all, Schue lost his ability to white-rap any number in the Glee songbook. Let's see how each of those characters fared without their single most recognizable trait, and pay attention -- there will be a pop quiz.
The episode started with something unprecedented: Puck got lines that would be crucial to the show's plot. You see, Puck had his signature hairstyle buzzed off and had gone from cool to totally uncool overnight. The only possible option, it turned out, was for him to date Mercedes. While the Puckster tried to woo that "black girl from glee club whose name I can't remember," producers oiled the show's robotic giant Cory Monteith well enough for him to perform an actually brilliant version of "Jessie's Girl."
Rachel lost her voice and then learned about fear, courtesy of a bizarre sideshow that included Finn's paralyzed friend. Meanwhile, Kurt struggled with his sexuality and his feelings about his father's relationship with Finn by exploring over-the-top straight dude stuff -- like Mellencamp, making out with slutty girls, flannel, chew -- before returning to over-the-top gay dude stuff -- like singing "Rose's Turn" from Gypsy while wearing a silk neck scarf. In other words, totally overdrawn order was restored. Now onto the episode's highs and lows...
HIGH NOTES
· Puck's Sinatra-esque rendition of "The Lady is a Tramp"
· Santana and Mercedes fighting over Puck to the tune of "The Boy is Mine"
· The Glee club's performance of U2's "One" -- even though it was a Gap commercial
· Finn burning Rachel after she asks him for advice, "Maybe you should ask your boyfriend. Oh wait, you can't. He's not here"
· Sue Sylvester's advice to Kurt about his sexuality: "So you like show tunes. That doesn't mean you're gay. That just means that you're awful"
· Burt Hummel's explanation for why he barged into Kurt's room: "I came home to find this note on your doorknob, 'Do not enter under any circumstances. I'm making out with a girl.' I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners"
LOW NOTES
· Puck's pick-up lines: "Girl, you've got more curves than a Nissan ad" and "I did some research. Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other. Wikipedia says that King Martin Luther loved the Jews"
· Finn introducing Rachel to his paralyzed friend (Zack Weinstein) to teach her something about fear
· Quinn being used only as the voice of reason
GLEESARY
Puckasaurus - (n.) Puck's bada** name for himself.
A Sex Shark - (n.) Someone who dies if they stop moving, i.e. having sex
A Steaming Mug of Hot Chocolate - (n.) A cool person in school: "But now I'm such a steaming mug of hot chocolate that one of the coolest guys wants to use me to harvest some mojo"
Harvest Some Mojo- (v.) Acquire coolness
POP QUIZ
1. Puck shaves his head because...
a) he had lice.
b) the dermatologist required it to check out a nasty head mole.
c) he's going for a new look since he's going to "be a father and everything, ya know?"
d) it's almost summer and his head "needs to breathe."
2. Which of the following lines is not included in Puck's inner monologue from the dumpster?
a) "I'm human garbage."
b) "I should just lie here until the truck comes and crushes me to death."
c) "What's the point of living when I suck so bad?"
d) "Hey, is that a Subway sandwich?"
3. Which three characters were not in last night's episode at all?
a) Emma Pillsbury
b) Terri Schuester
c) Ken Tanaka
d) Principal Figgins
4. Kurt hates baseball because...
a) "There's never an excuse for stirrup pants."
b) "Sports are like God or Christmas for me. They don't exist."
c) "I can't think of anything worse than spending three hours trying to watch grown men run in circles."
d) "It involves sweating and jock straps."
Answers: 1) b 2) d 3) a, b, c & d 4) a