The final four. Three of these American Idol contestants win a victorious trip home, ticker tape, and a bust of Randy Jackson from the mayor, while one retreats to a life of inevitable obesity. Is there any stopping the judges' call of a Bowersox-DeWyze final two? Or are we in for a surprise tomorrow night? We're breaking it down fairly, ranking "Songs from the Cinema" night's performances (including the duets) from worst to best. Videos included! Spoiler: Die, Randy.
6. Lee DeWyze, "Kiss From a Rose"
But you're never going to surv-i-ive unlessss you get a little crazy, Lee! Ol' Blue Balls here picked the most popular song of the bunch, and I couldn't remember his choice for a full minute just now. And I never forget anything about Batman Forever, sisterfriend. (Love to my girl Debi Mazar.) With Lee, though he's had bright weeks where he zips his quiver-lip and and emanates confidence, he choked on a big song that requires a distinct voice to be memorable. This Seal was more busted than the one on a toddler's Handisnack. Not delicious.
Before I forget: The "tone" of Lee's voice that I'm supposed to be obsessed with? Uh, undercooked, Megan Corkrey-rough, and tuneless sometimes? Like he's seconds away from ralphing into Alex Lambert's favorite pail? I was tired of the Lee pimpage early on, but now I'm torqued to watch him leave before the final two. Here's hoping.
5. Michael Lynche, "Will You Be There"
Simon was the worst judge on the panel tonight, no doubt about it. With his un-witty non-criticisms about The Graduate and Free Willy, I thought Ryan was going to pelt him with Leonard Maltin compendiums and spout sh*t like, "Girl, it's over! You're over! Shut it down!" But to give Simon some credit, who the hell picks this song? This is the hallmark of Michael Jackson's "I Turn My Apparent Traumas Into Mortifying Anthems Now" era. And even in theory, it's totally bland for the Idol stage. In Mike's underwhelming Idol career, this is the first performance that is best described as nondescript. He omitted the hurtful falsettos, which I appreciated, but he also wanted this song's alleged specialness to do more work for him than it did. After that performance, Willy's swimming back into the cage now. He has seen freedom and has decided its not for him.
Lastly: Let's not forget Mike's big announcement prior to his performance! That blithe admission that he set a goal "to be in the Top 3" last year? So, um: That's telling. Let me get this straight, B.M.: You want a hometown parade in your honor, and you think you're more talented than all of America (or at least fourth-place finisher Allison Iraheta -- if this magic dream indeed occurred last year). How delusional and smug! On second thought, Lee can stay another week. Let's jettison the arrogant blubberer with the California Raisin moves and, for once, commend Ellen DeGeneres on her observation that he should want to win the competition -- not the adulation.
4. Casey James and Michael Lynche, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?"
I didn't care for the duets, and I bet you didn't either. Both seemed chemistry-deprived from where I was sitting, but the weaker performance was cerrrrrtainly Casey and Michael's. Their cautious eye-to-eye moments filled my intestines with Alien puppetry, and their song choice was for losers. I admit they harmonized fine, guitar-ed all correctly, and even seemed like they inhabited the same stage sometimes -- but this was an unsteady, vocally passable effort from beginning to end. More like, "Have You Ever Really Tried Singing with a Bored Stranger?"
3. Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze, "Falling Slowly"
This? This was cute. Not astounding or even great, but a definite Idol moment with all the whirling-dervish camera pans to put a Hype Williams remake of Vertigo to shame. Crystal, of course, wittily injected life into her performance while Lee stammered and almost gained consciousness during the homestretch. I cannot stand that a Final 4 contestant doesn't understand showmanship. So weird, y'all. Depressing. Although this rendition didn't top Kris Allen's version last year (as I warned it wouldn't yesterday), it was serviceable. Like oh-so-much of this season.
2. Casey James, "Mrs. Robinson"
Remember when I predicted this too? Well, I sort of didn't. I predicted Casey and Michael would retool the Simon and Garfunkel hit as their duet, but close enough. Fact is, it'd have better served them both in that capacity. Why didn't they choose that? I keep being right, somehow. At any rate, Casey's spin on "Mrs. Robinson" was sweet, unforced, and memorable. I loved the ukulele-ish accompaniment, even though it brought back rough memories from Jason Castro's uke performance at that Bachelor wedding. No "Tiny Bubbles" for me, fanks.
Randy Jackson's favorite comment came into play after this performance ("I don't know if it was my favorite performance, dog -- I mean I wasn't jumping out of my seat, but yeah, you know, you're a singer."), and it incensed me this time around. Can't an effing guitar player enjoy a soft acoustic performance sometimes? God! If you want to impress Randy Jackson, descend from the ceiling with an electrified double-bassoon, scream for five minutes, then jump off a trampoline into a beautiful dream-catcher. That's where the artistry is. In the big stupid spectacle. Can't we enjoy something classic? Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio and Taylor Hicks?
1. Crystal Bowersox, "I'm Alright"
Oh, hell yes. Caddyshack ("I'm Alright's" origin) may be a freakishly overrated film, but Crystal's performances pretty much can't be oversold. In retrospect, I honestly prefer Didi Benami's subtle warble over Crystal's less-marketable, somehow more predictable style, but facts are facts: Crystal is the best singer. She brings vitality to the vocals, transitioning from sentiment to sentiment in each song with evident comprehension. She's a canny contestant and likely a legitimate artist. "I'm Alright" served as a firework, a flare sent up to onlookers who worried for her recent critiques had deflated her. She's LIVIN', y'all. That gleeful, yet weary tr
ill reverberated in a way that no other performance did tonight. Crystal's best performances have an air of spontaneity, and her "I'm Alright" cover marked another rollicking venture in an Idol career full of smart, sparked performances. Stunning. And of course, under-praised.