We usually take time each week to re-investigate Bruno Tonioli's criticisms on Dancing with the Stars. His effusive praise leads him into hurtful orgasms that induce a heart attack every single week. Serious stuff. This week we've decided to reevaluate fellow judges Len Goodman and Carrie Ann Inaba too, as their compliments and complaints often go unnoticed next to the bile-spewing barrage of Bruno. If you can handle the truth behind each judge's comments -- and video of each DWTS's pair of dances last night, including the "futuristic cha-cha-cha" pictured above -- venture forth.
· Chad Ochocinco
Tango Score: 21
'60s Jive Score: 24
Carrie Ann: "The intensity and the attack are great! Your posture... is fine! Your energy... unhinged! But have you seen Nicole Scherzinger? She like, dances."
Len: "Well! Two dances this week! That's always very hard to do, isn't it? It explains why you were terrible, even if it doesn't excuse it. Good try. To the pillories, thank you."
Bruno: "Nice emotions in your steps, yah-HA! Otherwise your frame and posture, it was like congealed Hershey's Chocolate masquerading as the fluid of lovers. Not so, I'm afraid. Meow to your perky chest anyway."
· Niecy Nash
Viennese Waltz Score: 23
'90s Paso Doble Score: 20
Carrie Ann: "You need to work on your transitions! You have a slight power imbalance with your partner. But you have so much joy. Yeah. Those are the qualities of a proud fifth-place finisher."
Len: "Pleasantly surprised! You didn't fall upside down like a cartoon character into the wood floor. Applause."
Bruno: "Niecy, Niecy! Scary mama. You really polished the floor with your S.O.S. scrub buns tonight. Fine form. Your assnastics are sharp. I wish you didn't waltz like wasps were sweeping in from the prairies to nest in your frigging huge cleavage. You know? I am teasing! Teasing! Kisses to you, m'dear. Don't come any closer, I'll get wasps on me."
Erin Andrews
Argentine Tango Score: 28
'80s Rumba Score: 25
Carrie Ann: "So hot! Your legs! Committed to the character! Fantastic! Oh God. Touch me so slowly."
Len: "You naughty minx! You know what we called your type in World War I? A slutty ho! Brilliant! Your second dance was a little jerky. Bruno started gyrating in time to your tics."
Bruno: "You frisky little puma! The extension of your back arch and smallish chest mesas were stunning. I wanted it to go on all night. Go on all night! GO ON ALL NIGHT. Or I'll kill you! Just kidding."
· Evan Lysacek
Waltz Score: 27
Futuristic Cha-Cha-Cha Score (for real): 26
Carrie Ann: "Impeccable lines! Incomprehensible blank eyes."
Len: "I'm not sure I liked your waltz. Too roly-poly. You know what I mean. Gay."
Bruno: "There was art here! A real movement! But where was the dry-humping against cousin Bruno's noggin? HEHUH? More sexual concussions administered to Dr. Tonioli next time, mmkay? As for your futuristic dance -- very Mr. Spock meets Barberella! For what it's worth! Eh."
· Nicole Scherzinger
Foxtrot Score: 29
'50s Paso Doble Score: 30
Carrie Ann: "You're defying my imagination! You're in it to win it. Take me to dinner, swarthy woman. Please me. RUN AT ME."
Len: "Great dances! But by definition, Pussycat Dolls are little infected under the petticoat. You just got infected with talent. It's not fair to the traumatized half-souls like Evan."
Bruno: "One and a half minutes of pure dancing joy! Feisty! And SAY-EX. This kind of performance is the reason I bargained for the name Groin-Pleasin' Grandpappy Bruno with the Fading Stars."