Last week on Real Housewives of New York City, viewers learned that Jersey psychics in cheetah-print sweat sets cannot be trusted. And while last night's episode, "Leap Before You Look," did not feature any scam mediums, it did feature a medium-sized, orange-tinted gay fellow who scammed LuAnn into a date. Meanwhile, Bethenny cried because her dad was dying, Jill cried because she did not know that Bethenny's dad was dying, and Kelly made small talk with a dog. So pour yourself a generous glass of pinot and join me after the jump to review the truest and fakest moments.
FALSE: LuAnn Has a Future With This Guy
If you think that you have bad taste in men, get a load of the man that LuAnn cruised in last night's episode. From a city packed with eligible gold-digging fellows, the Queen of Condescension zoomed in on an "author" named COURT. His red disco shirt was unbuttoned just enough to see a bit of chest hair, he described his book as "rocking" and "little out there." He was shaky, his jaw unhinged and his head flew back every time he fake-laughed and he actually told LuAnn -- a former Countess who prides herself in her impeccable manners and perfect French -- that he was planning on putting a hot babe on the cover to increase the "scandalocity" quotient. If this exotic word was not enough of a turn-on for LuAnn, the definition that followed was: "Scandalocity is the the speed at which scandal measured in velocity can turn you into a star."
He twitched and took sips of his pinot, and she revealed that she was actually working on a little single about how "you can't buy class." COURT was interested and asked to hear more, at which point LuAnn explained in her booming baritone, "I'm not Madonna but I could be the female Barry White." This was all Brian needed to hear to know that this was his chance to ride LuAnn's royal-sized coattails into D-list fame and he asked her on a date, "What would you say if I [twitch, twitch] asked you out?" She said yes, his jaw unhinged again with laughter and he said, "Well that's great."
As the two left the party early, Jill's friend observed, "OK, whoever LuAnn's date is -- he's got bad hair and he's gay!"
TRUE: Bethenny and Jill Are in Pain
What kind of pain, who knows for sure? But even Jill, who has spent the season spewing venom at her so-called friends, verged on sympathetic with two separate crying jags. The first breakdown occurred at LuAnn's charity event, when Jill declared that she was emotionally ragged and unable to face Alex, who just last week publicly humiliated her at a party. LuAnn scolded her ("I don't want you crying. You're doing a good thing for the homeless.") but still, Jill found herself on a couch later that evening sobbing softly into Kelly's skeletal shoulder.
Jill was reduced to tears later that evening after finding out that Bethenny's father had died the day before. Heartbroken for her old friend, Bethenny screamed at Ramona for not texting her the news and then locked herself in a pantry -- in one of the most dramatic cries for help this season.
Meanwhile, Bethenny spent the entire episode joylessly shuttling around in a chauffeur-driven SUV to see her father on his deathbed.