Fetus the Magnificent, come back to us! Little Aaron Kelly, known for his desperado twang and the amniotic sac he calls home, earned the least amount of votes on last night's Idol. You know what that means: Simon Cowell placed Aaron in a tube sock, spun the 17-year-old in a lariat over his head, and threw him from his balcony to some primary school kids outside his gates. "Merry Christmas, filthies!" he grumbled, stocking cap bobbing wildly. Now that Aaron has officially received fifth place, it's time to reflect upon his legacy, best moments, and the times he was almost born.
Legacy
While he never took full advantage of his age by wearing sailor-theme pajamas, a Mouse Detective costume, or a christening gown, Aaron Kelly paired adolescent angst with classic crooning. The kind of balladeer who needs your love -- and also needs you to burp him. His most resonant quality is the pervasive sadness in his voice, the kind of melancholy you earn after singing Rudy Vallee hits to nursing home residents for years. Come on, this kid is the star at Merciful Meadows Retirement Village. "There's Aaron Kelly, Mildred's grandkid! Aww. A nice boy. Wish he didn't hold the microphone like a penis."
What Could've Been
An encore performance of "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" for next week's Film Songs challenge -- but edgier (Diane Warren on dulcimer). An emotional version of "Jesus Take The Wheel" where Aaron breaks down and confesses he only has a learner's permit. Clive Davis's pick of "Rubber Duckie" in the Final 2. Birth.
We Will Miss Most
His sweet, soulful renditions of "Angie" and "You've Got a Way." His charmingly horrible song choices like "I Believe I Can Fly," "Blue Suede Shoes," and, yes, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Watching as Big Mike treated his trembling frame like a javelin. When Simon compared him to Justin Bieber because they look like mealworms from the same petri dish.
Closing Remarks
Aaron, you didn't stand a chance against Mama Sox, but unlike other finalists this year, you could drum up an actual career. Of course, you already know that since you placed as a finalist on America's Most Talented Kid. Sly little pageant prince. I'm sure you've got a Most Happenin' Preteen contest in Celebration, Florida to attend next. At any rate: Adieu, little person. Take a rest and find a personal utopia where the Happy Meals and Emperor's New Groove viewings never end.