Talk about From Here to Eternity -- watching American Idol's final five slay Frank Sinatra hits felt like riding the local through Hoboken. If the endless commercial breaks weren't filling the run-time, it was the slow performances and relentless quips from aspiring quadruple threat Harry Connick Jr. (That's singer/actor/composer/jokester to you!) making us day-snore. Fortunately, the night boasted some great moments in three key performances. Match your rankings against ours and pray that season nine's best singer isn't eliminated tonight.
5. Casey James, "Blue Skies"
Casey would bungle a performance just hours after I pimp his staying power. Figures. If the crackling, poorly sustained notes didn't fish-whack his performance of "Blue Skies" to death, his fish-wacky buccaneer outfit did the job with aplomb. Seriously, what was the outfit about? From the waist up he resembled a maître d' at a theme restaurant called "Where Eagles Dare." And there's miniature golf out back with a tricky 18th hole entitled Fer Awwwll the Booty.
"Blue Skies" was the poorest song choice of the night, a clear yardstick's length away from Casey's comfort zone. DioGuardi was right on (as usual) with the lamb comment. Casey can only whinny like a victorious dark horse if he stays within his well-defined, lax milieu. Now he's stuck with Didi Benami Syndrome: One out-of-character performance will render him "lost" in America's eyes, and they'll forget to vote for the love-wary troubadour they adored in the first place. Unless they vote off a certain widdow boy and his pwecious widdow Mouse Detective costumes first...
4. Aaron Kelly, "Fly Me to the Moon"
Alert the OB/GYN: Fetus the Magnificent evolved into an 8-year-old boy last night. Presto, Family Matters style. Check that Johnson's No-Tears sheen! The Little Red Schoolhouse trousers! The Johnny Tremaine vest! Actually, Aaron was the cutest snapshot of 1789 I've ever seen. Rand-McNally material, honestly. You could tell he wanted to play stickball but his dad had to stay inside and write the Articles of Confederation with the mean old delegates. And their smelly wigs that give Aaron the ah-choos! That's where his angst came from last night. The wigs and Dad's boring revolution.
All continental issues considered, Aaron's "Fly Me to the Moon" still felt stifled and awkward (and he simpered across the stage like a mortified honors student returning an overdue library book), but some of those notes worked. Now that he's fought his way out of the incubator, it's time for Aaron to enter a recent century -- like the 19th? "Oh, Susanna" is like electroclash to this kid, so we'll see what kind of progress he makes.
3. Crystal Bowersox, "Summer Wind"
I raved like a Trainspotting freak for Crystal's under-appreciated performance of "No One Needs to Know" last week. "Bigger doesn't always equal better," Crystal noted of her lilting performance, and I agreed. You'll remember that Danny Gokey always went for "bigger" in season eight, and I always wanted him to go for "an unending sprint in traffic." Which is a problem. Unfortunately, the first half of Crystal's performance last night just didn't fly -- it sounded like talking, or humming, or Beaker beeps, or something. The second half's comeback was compensatory, but we all know that laggard first halves can do you in with voters. (RIP Glue Girl! Butterfly nibbles and glass-blown kisses to you!)
Crystal shouldn't be in trouble, but strange things happen at this juncture of the competition. Chris Daughtry's laughing from his chinstrap-shaped mansion in Dubai at that old story. Luckily for Crystal, Casey and Aaron both dished nondescript performances while she gave us a quieter one -- and "nondescript" is more of a death knell than "bad," as history has shown Katelyn Epperly, Alex Lambert, and Lacey Brown.
2. Michael Lynche, "The Way You Look Tonight"
Finally, an opportunity for Big Mike to swan about the premises like an odious Guys and Dolls extra. Jesus. I thought he was going to throw dice at us in 3-D. Anyway, after Mike stopped snapping his fingers and tipping his f*cking hat at Miss Adelaide, he turned in a perfectly digestible performance. Clear vocals, no oversell, no falsetto that inspires a murder where I do a fine job cleaning up the clues. Just the well-phrased tintinnabulation of a mayo-lite vocal maneuvering through a Sinatra classic.
If Mike outlasts Crystal thanks to this meager victory, I'll just die. For now, he's performing well, but knowing Mike (as we do), he'll take the judges' comments as validation that he's a scion to Sinatra himself. Ugh and please. He's a Piscopo who doesn't know he's a Piscopo.
1. Lee DeWyze, "That's Life"
Ol' Blue Balls here can't chirp eight bars worth of confidence to save his life -- usually. Lee's nerves subsided tonight with his near-animated rendition of "That's Life," a fitting title for a singer who seems resigned to life as a runner-up. Kind of a shame. While Lee's face is still somewhat paralyzed thanks to a tragic muttering accident, he introduced darling gestures on "That's Life" -- shrugging, smirking, counting on his hands for the "a prince, a pauper, a pole vaulter, a pillow princess" segment, and a soupcon of believable emoting. He's still mincemeat in Mama Sox's great big hippie stew, but he was the night's undisputed champeen.
I don't think he's a sure Top 2 bet just yet, though. Casey, Aaron, and Michael also have fans waiting to adore their every move, if only they'd budge from their limited range. One solid performance from that triad could oust Lee, but for now, he's a shoo-in for the Top 4. On next week's episode: Lee attempts to move his eyeballs. Suspense! You haven't seen this kind of sexual thriller since The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, ladies and gents.
ject>