Last night, the Real Housewives of New Jersey returned for their second season, proving once again that they are the stars of Bravo's Housewives franchise. After all, which other city boasts known mob connections, lessons from the old country ("You are not allowed to make red sauce when on your period because it'll spoil the tomatoes.") and catchphrases like "You put the c*nt in c*ntridiction?" Come on! So pull up a chair to Movieline's industrially reinforced dining room table -- we are not risking another flip this season -- as we pluck the truest and fakest moments from last night's episode, "Water Under the Table."
Before diving in, here is a quick primer on the New Jersey cast:
· Teresa looks like an Italian Jackie Onassis, flips tables when angry and frequently discusses her and her husband's sex life ("It's a known fact that if you have intercourse, that could bring on labor. So I'm scared because Joe and I have a very active sex life.").
· Dina and Caroline are sisters, separated by 12 years.
· Jacqueline is Dina and Caroline's sister-in-law and the only person who talks to Danielle.
· Danielle Staub is the black sheep of the group, who has been accused of kidnapping, prostitution and drug possession in a former life.
Now onto the winners of last night's Real/Fake Jackpot.
REAL: As Jacqueline Astutely Noted, the Housewives is Like a 60-Minute, Bravo-Sponsored 'High School Lunch Table'
Jacqueline, the wisest of the housewives returned last night to dispense truths via voice over because really, that is the only chance she gets to talk. The knowledge was dropped in between cuts of Caroline's $1,000/plate benefit, which was thrown to raise money for the sheriff and featured a special guest last evening -- New Jersey's Glenn Close doppelgänger.
NJGC (see right)
had insider information on Danielle because Danielle had brought her mother "a bowl of pasta after ankle surgery" once.
The women cackled over Danielle's shortcomings until NJGC revealed that the least favorite housewife actually owed her $400 -- a revelation which caused Caroline to climax in gossip stimulation overload.
FAKE: Danielle "Does Not Care" About the Other Women, Especially Caroline, Who Called Her 'Garbage' Last Season
Note that the above statement was made as Danielle loaded her daughters into her Range Rover and proclaimed that they were going to crash Caroline's benefit, to prove...something. As Danielle visualized the humiliating encounter in her mind, her daughters pleaded from the backseat, "Mom, don't be an a**... Mom, you have to calm down... Mom, you're messing yourself up now... You're going to make a jerk out of yourself... I'm not going to support yourself in this... Just leave it alone... You're not a creepy stalker."
The stalker comment must have hit home because Danielle, after driving what seemed like 100 miles in Bravo time, turned the car around and told viewers at home that she was going to "trust the girls" on this one.
Danielle had already battled her own will to "not care" when, earlier in the episode, she visited a priest. Describing herself as a "devout Catholic" who attends church every Sunday, Danielle whipped into her church with a grande Starbucks cup in hand and a camera crew behind her. After taking a seat, Danielle wagged her finger at her priest -- who was either shocked by the camera crew or the fact that she was casually referencing a history of cocaine, prostitution and kidnapping (see his expression, right) -- and demanded that he tell her how to pray for Caroline.
Finally, a tally of the times Danielle referenced the garbage dig in last night's episode:
1) "I never had an issue with Caroline until she called me garbage."
2) "I know who I am. I'm not a whore or a prostitute or a cokehead. I know I didn't deserve a table thrown at me and I know I'm not garbage."
3) "These are people that dug up my past, threw a table at me in front of my children, called me a prostitute, called me a whore, called me garbage"
4) "Caroline and I haven't spoke since the moment she called me garbage. I did not do anything to deserve that. She had made it seem like, I had like, murdered somebody. Or tried to hurt somebody...physically."
5) "I've been called garbage by people. People don't deserve to be called that."
6) "I don't want to be around those people. I want you to teach me how to pray for them."