With only two episodes left in the season, Gossip Girl has finally decided to let its characters in on most of the season's big secrets. So: Jenny's drug-dealing past has finally been brought to Rufus' attention; Rufus' possible infidelities have been brought to Serena's attention; Vanessa's three-month internship with CNN has been brought to Dan's attention; and William's feelings for Lilly have been brought to everyone's attention. Though Lilly's fake cancer diagnosis (tip: Don't trust your doctor if he's your ex-husband and still in love with you) is still hanging over the show like a cloud of Chanel perfume. Still, for an episode so ripe with set-up, Gossip Girl herself kept the puns to a minimum. Maybe this should be the Gossip Girl Witticism Index instead? Click ahead for the fun.
· "It's said that we're all strapped to fortune's wheel. Nowhere is this truer than the ever-changing landscape of love. As one couple enjoys an upswing, another is plunged downwards. But top or bottom, don't get too comfortable. Because the one thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning."
This is just a mess of mixed metaphors. For reference: Wheels spin and pendulums swing, so, no. Also is that top or bottom reference sexual? Based on some of her later voice overs, probably.
Puntastic Rating: 2 out of 5.
· "We hear Blair Waldorf's headed for a comeback. But if she wants to keep her fans happy, she better keep serving up the hits."
Ah, a legitimate and full-bodied pun. "Hits," like a DJ and "hits" like, "I'm going to put Jenny's drug-mule past on Gossip Girl for everyone to see!" I guess this is what those posters of Blair meant with the caption "The *itch is Back."
Puntastic Rating: 4 out of 5.
· "My oh my, did Dr. van der Woodsen just make a public pass at Rufus' wife? Looks like this Doctor Without Borders needs a few boundaries."
Gah! The perfect opportunity to say, "Looks like this Doctor is Without Borders" and it's totally wasted. Unforgivable.
Puntastic Rating: 1 out of 5.
· "Listen Carefully S. Holland has a tale to tell. Apparently her upstairs neighbor has been coming downstairs."
Holland is the neighbor that Rufus maybe-possibly was hooking up with when Lilly was freezing him out. Now, is "coming downstairs" supposed to be taken at face value or is it one of two horrific sexual double-entrendes? Frankly, hopefully the latter.
Puntastic Rating: 5 out of 5.