Waltzes and quicksteps! So... horribly dorky. Luckily, Dancing with the Stars countered the schmaltz by sticking Lady Gaga karaoke and disco-stick rides at the end of the show. And of course, Bruno Tonioli almost suffered massive heart attacks after every performance. Time to revisit the six couples' routines, two cha-cha medleys (set to the music of Lady Gaga and Madonna), and our interpretations of Bruno's mad-horny comments. We also included our own opinions in case you're desperately seeking sanity.
Erin Andrews
Score: 27
Our Response: Lots of red pants and sparkles. It's an angry craft store out there.
Tonioli Response: "Oogah-boogah, smirking lady! A triumph! Your lines were tighter than my original jawbone. But ay-yiy-yiy, m'lady: Your shoulders tensed throughout! Don't let Maks's nipples trick you into hardening your sex moves. At any rate, purr to you, delicate aging puma."
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Colorful arrhythmia, single face-smash against portrait of Rudolph Valentino.)
Chad Ochocinco
Score: 25
Our Response: Chad's legs wobbled during the Viennese Waltz -- but it's probably his best performance. Touchdown, etc.
Tonioli Response: "Gentle giant! I have some townspeople I'd like you to step on -- me and me and me and me! AHHH! Look out, perky, bare-assed Brunos! It's the Bodzilla! Ahh! I'm just kidding -- I surrender. (Rips open one-piece suit to reveal everything.)"
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Severe palpitations, slot machine eyeballs, is already naked.)
Nicole Scherzinger
Score: 27
Our Response: A waltz set to the tune of "You Light Up My Life." If you didn't sharpen your remote control and then impale yourself with it, this was majestic.
Tonioli Response: "The standard is so high for you, quasi-ethnic dame! You are the finest music box ornament we've had, plus the second-best rump bandit since Chad Ochocinco just seconds ago! But you're so talented, several naked Chad Ochocinco's could fly out of your babydoll dress on little paper planes. While we're on the subject: MAKE THAT HAPPEN, BONITA! YAH-HA! You want to win, don't you?"
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (Popcorn jolts in the chest, restrains urge to turn a front handspring onto Tom Bergeron's shoulders)
Pamela Anderson
Score: 24
Our Response: Exhibiting the color and viscosity of Pepto-Bismol, our C.J. shined in the waltz. But in terms of chemistry, Pammy went a little clammy in the intimacy department.
Tonioli Response: "You always nail the character, Pam! What if the character was Chad Ochocinco? Am I right? But next time I want more of your chest pouting for independence as your partner motorboats you, OK? Bad job on that front today."
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 6 (One round of the shivers, a slight charlie horse, girly yelp.)
Niecy Nash
Score: 25
Our Response: Considering she was moving along to Cole Porter's hilariously strange "You're the Top," Niecy moved in a composed and elegant fashion -- even as lyrics like "You're Mickey Mouse!" and "You're cellophane!" poured at her.
Tonioli Response: "So. That was your best dance. So dainty. So fine. So...eh. Can we bring back Sweltering Brazilian Heatstroke Week? I didn't make that up, I SWEAR. I'm sorry, the sex level here is just not happening. Bobble the bobblers more next time, madam."
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Gentle dryhump of parquee floor; falls asleep afterward)
Evan Lysacek
Score: 30. First perfect score of the season.
Our Response: Some serious tango. The nose bones and locked chins aligned at Pythagorean angles. Hawt. Movieline's forthcoming interview with him this morning must've invigorated him.
Tonioli Response: "Blank in the eyes and brazen in the butt! My absolute favorite. You moved like an alpha male out there. You are sleek, sultry, slappy, superfreaky, silly-hot, and so, so... sssssssss. You're everything that a girl would want. A girl named... Mrs. Bruno Ochocinco. Would you like to be an usher, little man?"
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 9 (Heart flies out of chest and jabs Bruno in his new jawbone.)
Lady Gaga "Telephone" Cha-Cha, Starring Pamela Anderson, Chad Ochocinco, and Nicole Scherzinger
Score: 27
Our Response: No Beyonce cameo, but Pammy safely unleashed the naughty girl antics. Chad also soared, and Nicole Scherzinger is still allergic to mistakes. Quoth Nicole's second album title, this was "Doll Domination."
Tonioli Response: "There is a baaaaad romance going on between my brain... and my boing. It's complicated! SCORCHING. Deep meows and midnight licks to you all."
Tonioli Heart Attack Meter: 9 (Holds a paralyzed, crazed smile as blood spills from his sleeves)
Madonna "Holoday" Cha-Cha, Starring Evan Lysacek, Niecy Nash, and Erin Andrews
Score: 24
Our Response: Borderline boring! They should thank their lucky stars they were graded highly! Like a virgin trying to do the moves she saw on Real Sex.
Tonioli Respon
se: "Eh."
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Naptime)