There will never be another Hills personality to plumb the emotional depths like Lauren Conrad, but that being said, last night's premiere of the series final go-round was surprisingly melancholy. Maybe it's because the ironically titled "Put On Your Happy Face" was the first installment of a season-long funeral? Heidi's family mourned the daughter they knew and tried to accept the plastic figurine that Mattel dropped on their Crested Butte doorstep, Kristin partied grimly until 8 a.m. every morning, and Stephanie tried to suppress her own death wish.
Rather than wait in line for this buffet of sorrow, Movieline will hand-deliver you the truest and fakest moments from last night's episode. Two interventions (one sponsored by Pepsi), await you after the jump.
REAL: Heidi Was "Much More Beautiful Before" Surgery
Last night, MTV played a little game with viewers by purposefully obscuring Heidi's face until she arrived at her family's doorstep so that viewers could scream in horror at the sight of Heidi's reconstructed face at the same time as Heidi's family.
Once Heidi had settled in, her concerned mother Darlene and sister Holly sat on either side of her and delicately asked why their daughter/sister would risk her life for these surgeries. Heidi responded with a statistic that producers had given her just moments beforehand, "Mom, there's brain surgery every day."
Heidi tried desperately to explain her case, but it was difficult, mainly because her newly constricted jaw only permitted a whisper. It was a case of she says/she says: Darlene said that the Heidi she remembered had so much self-confidence, while Heidi (who would have teared up at this point had her tear ducts not been obstructed by collagen) argued otherwise -- "You remember, I used to put water balloons in my bra."
The showdown grew serious when Heidi begged her mother to just tell her what she thought of her new look. Darlene told her misguided daughter what everyone in America had been thinking -- namely, that she looked "much better" before the surgery.
During this tender moment, the camera pulled back to reveal a lone Pepsi can on the coffee table. Ladies and gentleman, the truest moment in last night's Hills premiere, sponsored by a soft drink that wants you to be able to have frank discussions with your daughter about her horribly ill-advised cosmetic surgery, no matter what you're going through.
FAKE: Lo, Audrina and Stephanie Care About Kristin's Coke Party Addiction
From the facts given to us by MTV last night, Kristin Cavallari has a serious problem with partying. She stays out until 8 in the morning guzzling vodka and orange juice, compulsively checking her Blackberry for messages, and frowning at everyone around her. This is troubling because Audrina, Stephanie, and Lo say it is, without any emotion whatsoever.
So when Kristin blew off Audrina, Stephanie and Lo's "mellow girls' night," producers called the girls together the next morning for an intervention. Following a tight script, Lo awkwardly woke up Kristin and a few other friends, who quickly scattered like cockroaches. After Kristin emerged from the bed wearing head-to-toe black and sunglasses, the girls hopelessly delivered their scripted intervention, which included gems like these:
· "Like, what's wrong with you?"
· "How do you stay out until 8 a.m. every single night?"
· "I mean, I don't know you that well, so I'm not going to sit here and say anything, but I'm worried about you."
· "You know, everyone's saying you're doing drugs."
· "Your legs are like tiny. You're wearing sunglasses all day."
Like Heidi, Kristin croaked, "I don't have a problem. It's been a rough couple days." This time, there was no Pepsi -- as the camera man widened the shot, all he could find was empty vodka bottles.