Last night's Dancing with the Stars brought us the samba, some Argentine tango, and a madcap marathon of swing that was one Fonzarelli short of a TV classic. With so much action, the question arises: Did Bruno Tonioli have a staggering heart attack? Join us as we rate his reactions, comments, and vital signs.
Jake Pavelka
Score: 21
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 4 (tickle in the chest and sugarplums, slightly bloated)
Comments: "Your samba lacked bounce, my good sex machine! Woof, I say. I enjoyed your pelvis gyrations though. Mmm, yes! Otherwise, Jake, you were your usual laxative with a smiley face on it. Boo. Good try and rowr to you in all your journeys."
Evan Lysacek
Score: 21
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 4 (intestinal skirmish, adrenaline rush of below-average John Grisham third act)
Comments: "Awwwww. Il mio povero leopard (My poor leopard.) Your concussion! So scary! Unfortunately, Catman, you had a litter dinner tonight. It's true. You have very good lines most nights, but not this evening. You served us Meow Mix and we wanted sex and ass banditry. Sorry, sir."
Niecy Nash
Score: 21
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 5 (single hip thrust, scarlet fever, pupils widen like in anime)
Comments: "Breast jackelope! You and your 'dancing.' If you kick all your men like that, please stay away from my lunchbox! (Points at groin.) This Lunchable's got unprocessed meat and a Skittles packet, you see. YAH-TA-TA. (Moons Len Goodman.) Heh-heh. Remember to keep up the intensity, m'dear. Fell asleep when your breasts stopped playing piggyback with each other. Ah-ooh-gah anyway, madam."
Erin Andrews
Score: 25
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (pinball pupils, naked under the table)
Comments: "Len, my good impotent albatross, do not punish Erin! She did not choreograph this! You were great, love. You sambaed like a tricky chicky who wants to pounce on boys bottom-down, chin skyward. AWW-ROWR-MEOW, you know?"
Chad Ochocinco
Score: 24
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (minor amnesia, roof-raising)
Comments: "One of your best yet! Licky licky for me sometime? No? Next."
Nicole Scherzinger
Score: 26
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 10 (spleen, appendix, heart all leaping out of nearest orifice, will die tonight)
Comments: "I DIE TONIGHT. NICOLE, YOU WERE A SINGULAR SENSATION. AND I'M HAVING A VISION. OF THE LONGSHOREMEN OF MY YOUTH. THERE THEY ARE. FLOATING NOW. SING ME TO SLEEP, SWEATY BOAT MEN. STRIP FIRST. THANK YOU." (Dies.)
Pamela Anderson
Score: 22
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 5 (tongue snatches fly off lip, involuntary breast jiggles)
Comments: "And I'm back! Another week, another great character from Pamela. It's Angelina, the sultry Latina. The blossom of the pampas, ready to be plucked -- but not without a fight!* Good groin near the end too."
- This was actually stated.