It's another week and another chance for Bruno Tonioli's chest to erupt in gory revolt. Welcome! Last night on Dancing with the Stars, the remaining contestants jived and quickstepped while Bruno clutched his whole body in ecstasy and waited for a ferret to fly out somewhere. To make matters more sensual, the sexy dancers performed to sexy music from famous sexy films. Bruno's torso and legs turned into an out-of-control pogostick! With eyes, feelings, and a hat! We gauge his crazed reactions and heart-attack moments from all eight dances after the jump.
Niecy Nash
Movie Theme: La Bamba
Dance: Jive
Official Score: 18
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 4
Comments: "You gave Len a kissy kiss? But what about spry bellboy Bruno?! Ring-a-ding for your trunk junk, ma'am? I'll take it upstairs and back down, if you please! (Darts tongue.) Yuh-HA! As for your jiggly parts, they moved like old folding chairs. Try again."
Chad Ochocinco
Movie Theme: The Jungle Book ("Bare Necessities")
Dance: Quickstep
Official Score: 18
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3
Comments: "Aha! A jungle book! Jungle fever, my good man. Give me it sometime! Unfortunately I go a little Baloo in the drawers on this one. You know? Your frame was like old Bagheera sat down to perish on Bruno's lap. And I am a whimsical jungle lad whose lap does its own jive! Rowr, says my lap! But not this time. No Disney magic in the pelvis. Grrrrrr."
Erin Andrews
Movie Theme: Pulp Fiction ("You Never Can Tell")
Dance: Jive
Official Score: 22
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7
Comments: "Ehhhh-ren. Goo-goo. Mama. It's your suckling infant Bruno. Give me the bazooms. Please? For your innocent, omnisexual toddler? Your timing was impeccable tonight! My heart jumped at Carrie Ann again and tried to trap her in her home linen closet. No one has to know. YOW-OW!"
Jake Pavelka
Movie Theme: Risky Business ("Old Time Rock 'N Roll")
Dance: Cha-cha-cha
Official Score: 23
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8
Comments: "Jake. La mia breve corneo uomo. (My horny short man.) You cheeky, pulsating, Bruno-approved eel. You took those old records off the shelf and played them on your freakish ass. I saw it with my own eyes. You are a hot-to-trot young postal-worker-looking man who will make it far in the choreography of mindgames with Bruno. My heart just made a break for it through my ankles! Quick, Bergeron! Make the dive and intercept! First and ten, everyone. YAH-HOW-HOW! MEOW, DADDY! Sleep now, daddy."
Pamela Anderson
Movie Theme: Nine to Five ("9 to 5")
Dance: Quickstep
Official Score: 21
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 6
Comments: "Yes, yes, Dolly Parton -- your godmother in zoom-boom chest mountains. I liiiiikeeeeehhhhh. You always have such good form! But ah! I could not see it very well under your distracting dress. Where is the Stripperella that I stipulated in the contract? NAKEY-WAKEY, MOTLEY MOM. BRING BRUNO THE SIX-SHOOTING UNDERBREASTS. Or as I call them: a meal. Happy Thanksgiving, Bruno. And a woof-woof and a yah-cha-cha to you, madam. Well done."
Kate Gosselin
Movie Theme: The Breakfast Club ("Don't You Forget About Me")
Dance: Foxtrot
Official Score: 15
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 2
Comments: "Kate Minus Oxygen Plus A Ban on Genital Fun. You hear me, chipmunk? You were catatonic. Just walking around. It was like you lost another child in the propeller of a big fan and were casually searching for an arm. You need more grace, m'dear. And A COYOTE IN THE GROIN. I know you have one. You do! Don't be shy! I put one there in case. AHEHAHA. So it's there. Ah-oo."
Nicole Scherzinger
Movie Theme: Pretty Woman ("Oh, Pretty Woman")
Dance: Tango
Official Score: 29
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 10
Comments: "AHHHHHRRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMM. OH! OH! NICOOOOOOOLE. (Growling, vague gargling at some points.) LEN GOODMAN, DON'T YOU DARE CALL THE PARAMEDICS. YOU DODGY BEAR. THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE. THE WOMAN IN THE 18TH ROW WITH THE LEOPARD BELT CAUGHT MY HEART. SAME AS LAST WEEK. Nicole, before a family of kookaburras makes it way out of my face -- YOU GAVE ME NEW LIFE. JUST BEFORE MY DEATH. AHHHH! Ehhhhh. Tango!Goodbyeeeeee. (Three kookaburras process solemnly from Bruno's mouth.)"
Evan Lysacek
Movie Theme: Armageddon ("I Don't Want to Miss a Thing")
Dance: Rumba
Official Score: 27
Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 9
Comments: "You frozen-smiled cat man. I LAWVAT. (Makes series of "vogueing" and "orchestra conductor" gestures.) I am picking at a diamond here -- and maybe picking at your diamonds later if you've got the time, m'catdancer -- but the hips sometimes could be squarer. Otherwise: OH, LEN, GIVE 911 A RING! Let's all love one another! Also, I need CPR."