"You do it."
"No, you do it."
"I really think you should be the one covering it."
There is a game of Hot Potato that we've played at Movieline HQ over the past few months, and it has to do with a gross little movie called The Human Centipede.
If you were blessedly ignorant of this upcoming horror film, here's the synopsis:
During a stopover in Germany in the middle of a carefree road trip through Europe, two American girls find themselves alone at night when their car breaks down in the woods. Searching for help they find only an isolated villa, whose mysterious owner, Dr Heiter, takes them in for the night. The next day they awake to find themselves in the basement, trapped in a terrifying makeshift hospital with another one of the doctor's abductees. Dr Heiter explains to the three of them that he is retired surgeon who had specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first to connect people, one to the next, via their gastric system, and in doing so bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy: 'the human centipede'.
Fun times, everyone! Distributor IFC promises that Human Centipede is a film that will divide audiences, but even before that, it's divided critics into two camps: those who'll see it, and those who feel like they have to scrub the existence of the film from their brains. As someone who was terrified merely to Google Image Search for a still to accompany this post, I would call myself the latter. Still, for the sake of you, the Movieline reader, I IM'd critic Dave White (who's already seen the film) to discuss it.
Kyle: So, Human Centipede.
Dave: Have you seen it?
Kyle: Not yet. I'm trying to summon the courage.
Dave: Well, I will say that it is awesome. Phil at New Beverly said he thought it was a comedy and badly made. I read it completely differently. It's surprisingly restrained and is definitely funny, until it's not. Then it becomes this exercise in the director saying, "What's the worst possible thing that could happen to this or that character right now?" and then going for it, so it ends up this superbleak hopelessness jam.
Kyle: Well, I would imagine it's hard to pull a happy ending out of being sewn to two other girls. Is it the sort of film you need a strong stomach for, or does the premise sound worse in your head?
Dave: It's got surgery...and butt flaps.
Kyle: I just shivered when you said "butt flaps." How will I make it through this movie?
Dave: But the WORST thing is something you don't necessarily see, but it's happening right in front of you and you're imagining it and gagging.
Kyle: Right now I am terrified and nothing is even happening!
Dave: It's the ass-to-mouthiest film of the year.
Kyle: Is it more ass-to-mouthy than The Last Song?
Dave: Way more. That movie had a wacky raccoon. This movie has only one wacky pet, and it's dead when the film begins.
Kyle: OMG there's a pet?
Dave: Uh-huh. A prototype pet.
Kyle: Oh no....
Dave: "My sweet little 3-dog," he calls it.
Kyle: Noooooooooo...
Dave: Yessssssssss... Dude, this mad scientist guy is like a f****n' star. Like if Udo Kier had an ugly, freaky cousin. He gives tremendous face in every scene. Like, you sometimes aren't watching other s**t because you are so wrapped up in the weird of his face.
Kyle: Well he's the only actor who has full face to give! So would you also say that Human Centipede might be this year's most barfiest film?
Dave: Oh yes, so far. But seriously: well-directed, well-acted, suspenseful, horrifying, horrible, tense, and weirdly funny.
Kyle: You are a brave pioneer to see this film.
Dave: No, I'm a gore hound with a cast iron stomach, but again, there's way less gore than you'd think. It's a lot of suggestion. And also, best part, there's a hilarious scene where he tries to train the human centipede to fetch his newspaper like his little 3-dog did for him.
Kyle: Wow.
Dave: So great. Pets really do help a person. They lower your blood pressure, I'm told.
Kyle: My blood pressure is through the roof after this conversation.
Did Dave's gorehound nature make him an outlier? In the interest of fairness, I connected (in a non-surgical manner) with Variety's Peter Debruge, and asked him the main question on my mind: On a scale of 1 to 10, how barfy is Human Centipede?
"I'd say an 8," he answered. "Considering that the concept is all that Human Centipede has to offer, it's surprising how restrained the movie is. My world was better before the idea of a 'human centipede' had been introduced, but seeing one onscreen wasn't nearly so disturbing as the idea that such a thing could exist. What troubles me is the film's 'First Segment' subtitle, which suggests director Tom Six is just getting warmed up."
Oh no, Human Millipede.
Here is the trailer. Good luck! I haven't even watched this yet myself.