As the cover girl for the new issue of Harper's Bazaar, Gwyneth Paltrow has opened up in yet another amazing interview full of juicy quotes, revelations and vaguely out-of-touch-with-humanity observations about life in general. Despite the troubling disclosure that the actress is no longer attached to play Nicole Kidman's wife in the transgender-trailblazer biopic The Danish Girl, there is plenty else here to get truly excited about -- all phrased in Paltrow's inimitable, "Did she actually just say that?" patois. No, really -- Movieline wants you to choose the real Paltrow snippets from the quotes after the jump. No prizes for high scorers, alas; this luxurious zen is all the reward you can really expect.
1. "I was so bad with the food and alcohol in Nashville. If you saw me naked compared to what I looked like when I did Iron Man 2, when I was exercising every day -- I'll get it back together, but I've never eaten so much fried food and white flour in my life, ever. Oh, God."
2. "I don't know how people do it. I was just at a photo shoot with Kate Winslet, and I was like, 'How the fuck do you do this? I don't understand.' Kate said, 'I know, it doesn't work. Everyone falls apart. I haven't worked in 20 months.'"
3. "I keep [my Best Actress Oscar] on a shelf in the playroom. Chris's Grammys are up there, too. They're no different than all the other toys in the house, really. The kids are honestly more intrigued by them than we are, so we thought maybe they should have them."
4. "Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired."
5. "When you're having dinner with your kids and your husband and someone says something funny or you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness."
6. "The whole thing was blown out of proportion. It's not like I'm sitting around thinking of new ways to detoxify my colon or reinvent yoga. It's just so dumb. Is there nothing better for these bloggers to write about?"
7. "That's hilarious. Sometimes I'm just acting for other people."
8. "Women can't just be women anymore. We are too defined by our jobs or who others think we're supposed to be. But being a mother and wife and a writer and an actor is all just part of being a woman to me. Women are women! I tell myself every day. It's made such a difference."
9. "The hotel concierge is not telling me where to get a facial, Christy Turlington is. Doesn't everyone want to know that? I would want to know if you went to Mario Batali's house what he made you for dinner and could I have the recipe. So why not?"
10. "I'm not having anything to drink. I'm usually such a wino, they must be wondering what's going on."
11. "I really would have loved to work with Nicole. We have so much in common. I really get the spirit she brings to her art, and I hoped we could channel something beautiful together."
12. "I don't have advertisers or anything, and I would never want to."
13. "Sometimes I want a cigarette. I have no idea why."
14. "He was so helpful, so sweet and encouraging. I mean, it's embarrassing to be playing in front of your husband, especially when he's in one of the world's most successful bands."
15. "It's hemp! They call it 'arch-woven.' I couldn't believe it."
16. "The thing about the paparazzi, I realized, is it's probably made me look like a really grumpy person. Because when you get a magazine and you see someone with a scowl on her face, looking down, you're like, 'God, she looks like a bitch' or 'She looks like an unhappy old lady.' But when you're the person they're taking the picture of, it's like, 'You just followed me and made my kid cry and you're going to make money off it? You want me to look at you and smile? Are you out of your mind?'"
17. "Big changes always regenerate things. Because otherwise, you plateau. Life is about the plateaus and the valleys and mountains. You don't want to be on only the plateau, you know, you've got to shake it up."
Answers on page 2...
1. "I was so bad with the food and alcohol in Nashville. If you saw me naked compared to what I looked like when I did Iron Man 2, when I was exercising every day -- I'll get it back together, but I've never eaten so much fried food and white flour in my life, ever. Oh, God." ACTUALLY SAID IT
2. "I don't know how people do it. I was just at a photo shoot with Kate Winslet, and I was like, 'How the fuck do you do this? I don't understand.' Kate said, 'I know, it doesn't work. Everyone falls apart. I haven't worked in 20 months.'" ACTUALLY SAID IT
3. "I keep [my Best Actress Oscar] on a shelf in the playroom. Chris's Grammys are up there, too. They're no different than all the other toys in the house, really. The kids are honestly more intrigued by them than we are, so we thought maybe they should have them." COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
4. "Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired." ACTUALLY SAID IT
5. "When you're having dinner with your kids and your husband and someone says something funny or you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness." ACTUALLY SAID IT
6. "The whole thing was blown out of proportion. It's not like I'm sitting around thinking of new ways to detoxify my colon or reinvent yoga. It's just so dumb. Is there nothing better for these bloggers to write about?" COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
7. "That's hilarious. Sometimes I'm just acting for other people." ACTUALLY SAID IT
8. "Women can't just be women anymore. We are too defined by our jobs or who others think we're supposed to be. But being a mother and wife and a writer and an actor is all just part of being a woman to me. Women are women! I tell myself every day. It's made such a difference." COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
9. "The hotel concierge is not telling me where to get a facial, Christy Turlington is. Doesn't everyone want to know that? I would want to know if you went to Mario Batali's house what he made you for dinner and could I have the recipe. So why not?" ACTUALLY SAID IT
10. "I'm not having anything to drink. I'm usually such a wino, they must be wondering what's going on." ACTUALLY SAID IT
11. "I really would have loved to work with Nicole. We have so much in common. I really get the spirit she brings to her art, and I hoped we could channel something beautiful together." COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
12. "I don't have advertisers or anything, and I would never want to." ACTUALLY SAID IT
13. "Sometimes I want a cigarette. I have no idea why." COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
14. "He was so helpful, so sweet and encouraging. I mean, it's embarrassing to be playing in front of your husband, especially when he's in one of the world's most successful bands." ACTUALLY SAID IT
15. "It's hemp! They call it 'arch-woven.' I couldn't believe it." COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID IT
16. "The thing about the paparazzi, I realized, is it's probably made me look like a really grumpy person. Because when you get a magazine and you see someone with a scowl on her face, looking down, you're like, 'God, she looks like a bitch' or 'She looks like an unhappy old lady.' But when you're the person they're taking the picture of, it's like, 'You just followed me and made my kid cry and you're going to make money off it? You want me to look at you and smile? Are you out of your mind?'" ACTUALLY SAID IT
17. "Big changes always regenerate things. Because otherwise, you plateau. Life is about the plateaus and the valleys and mountains. You don't want to be on only the plateau, you know, you've got to shake it up." ACTUALLY SAID IT
ยท Gwyneth Paltrow: Myth vs. Reality [Harper's Bazaar]