American Idol handed its nine remaining contestants a formidable task: Perform an Elvis hit and have it sound fresh and fancy-free and Ke$ha-flavored for relevance. Sounds doable, right? Except totally impossible? Right. Luckily, the surviving balladeers were also granted the help of Adam Lambert, who established himself as the best mentor of the season. But the real judging is up to us: Which two contestants should 'return to sender' during tomorrow's results show? Movieline's rankings pile up after the jump.
9. Andrew Garcia, "Hound Dog"
Oh, here we are. Just the way "Hound Dog" was meant to be performed: slowed-down, with sleepwalking, in a prolonged wheeze that sounds like my fisherman Uncle Gene's Old Style belches. Bra-va! I understand Andrew was performing the original "Hound Dog," the not-so-boogie-woogie Big Mama Thornton version, but that makes his rendition even worse. Big Mama Thornton, Andrew? Come on. You're Little Brother Eggbert, and you know it.
8. Katie Stevens, "Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do"
Aren't you glad she asked? Ahem: Katie, I want you to stop the unferocious head sways, for starters. You've got all the soulful nerve of Miranda Cosgrove as she shoots a Sidewalk Chalk commercial. And secondly: I wanted you to choose a song with an addictive hook, and you biffed there too. To be fair, Katie had no shot of invigorating the Elvis oeuvre with relevance. "Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do," an attempt to counter the judges' remarks about finding a genre and sticking with it, was probably the best she could do. Unfortunately it made you want her to choose a new genre called "quietly leaving."
7. Aaron Kelly, "Blue Suede Shoes"
Aw, look: The whole nursing home started clanging bedpans and Sea-Bond packages together when Aaron Kelly crooned the most dated tune in Elvis's catalog. "Blue Suede Shoes" completely misses the Idol demo; it's either for people over 60 or people like Aaron who are waiting to turn zero. Fetus the Magnificent, we'll never declare "A Star is Unborn" is this rate. Step it up! Without blue suede kicks, please!
6. Tim Urban, "Can't Help Falling in Love With You"
Are you catching on yet? Tim Urban is a genius producer's plant who will make the Top 5 and outlast a klatch of more competitive players. That's what this show is all about: Pursuing your dreams and realizing that a muscular dude with a McFly haircut deserves it more. This underdog story is finally culminating with the judges' new-found optimism in TIm, which is an abrasive reality. Well, actually, if we want to talk abrasive: Season Eight's 10th-place finisher Michael Sarver's slow-dancing with Ryan Seacrest throughout Tim's performance was more jarring than the life's work of Louis Pasteur. (Get it?)
5. Casey James, "Lawdy Miss Clawdy"
After a killer, yet unassuming version of "Jealous Guy" during Lennon/McCartney week, the Nickelback-coiffed singer fell back into a cloudy-midday-Sunday trance. Elvis certainly wouldn't have stood to applaud this middle-of-the-pack production. That's a shame, because it would've saved his life.
4. Michael Lynche, "In the Ghetto"
Michael's previous rendezvous with taste issues have produced stompy stage actions and goofy falsettos. But here, all knobs were turned defiantly counterclockwise: "In the Ghetto" isn't a dynamic song per se, but it allowed Michael ample space to uncover a single iota of Tracy Chapman-esque restraint. A revelation, indeed. Next week, watch as he turns water into wine.
3. Siobhan Magnus, "Suspicious Minds"
Styled like the snobby villain in an Olsen twins movie, Siobhan Magnus gave us another performance that was half dull verses and half amplifier-frightening epic notes. "Unfocused" describes this exercise, but she hooted enough glittery octave monsters to put her in top-three contention. My suspicious mind says that shouldn't qualify her for such a lofty ranking, but Elvis night was an easier ride for her than most.
2. Crystal Bowersox, "Saved"
Now entering the building: Another finely timed Powerpoint Presentation of pitch-perfect howls, stamps, and riffs from the dependable songstress. But you know? It's not enough. Crystal's autopiloting a cross-country flight to a third-place finish at this rate, since she's neither advancing upon nor retreating from the image we already have of her. Where is the soulful glow of "Long As I Can See the Light"? I'd like to see that redeeming humanity again before Tim Urban is crowned unholy emperor of our nation and happily chirps about which of our children we can keep.
1. Lee Dewyze, "A Little Less Conversation"
Effusive praise for Grizzlee Bore? Watch me go!: This was Lee's best performance of the season and the undisputed best performance of the night. He chose a perfect number, a danceable jam that Junkie XL remixed to great UK acclaim for the Elvis 1 compilation, and a rollicking anthem suited to his voice. And thanks to Adam Lambert's sage adages, he remembered to enjoy himself too. For a split second, I may have joined him. Don't tell my disgruntled feelings about this season, y'all.