Instead of grading yesterday's Dancing with the Stars rumba/tango night using the judges' scores as a rubric, why don't we base the winning performance on what really matters? I'm talking about how close judge Bruno Tonioli came to a staggering heart attack. That's the tell of real artistry. After the jump, we revisit the nine remaining performers' routines, rate Tonioli's bodily response on a scale from 1 (inert) to 10 (meth-splattered convulsions), and reinterpret his critiques as we remembered them. We also listed the real scores for your statistical pleasure.
· Erin Andrews
Song: "Sweet Dreams are Made of This (White Woman Slow-Dance Thundermix)"
Technical Score: 18
Performance Score: 21
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Tepid patter)
Comment Summary: "PTOOEY. Pumpkin! You weren't so angelic on the toes. But mmm. Ahh. Slurp. Ankles like candy still."
· Evan Lysacek
Song: "Wait a Minute (Pussycat Rumba 7" Edit)"
Technical Score: 26
Performance Score: 26
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (Whole-body shivers, single smack of own ass)
Comment Summary: "MEOW! Tail up, kitty man! You have style. You have finesse. You have fire cat pectorals
· Niecy Nash
Song: "Taking Chances (Rumba Naptime Mix)"
Technical Score: 18
Performance Score: 18
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 2 (Touch of indigestion)
Comment Summary: "Ack. Bobbling funny woman. M'darling, you appeared in a trance. (Makes zombie hands.) You dance like there are mites in your clothes. (Feels own clothes). I know you have the boom-shocka tumbling milk bombs the rumba needs. But not today, m'love."
· Aiden Turner
Song: "Live Like We're Dying (Slight Rumba in Line for Boston Market Dessert Buffet Minimix)"
Technical Score: 15
Performance Score: 18
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Wooziness, slightly syncopated palpitations)
Comment Summary: "HELLO, Zoolander! As for the rest of your body, you didn't flow. Your blue steel did not make for the likewise balls. I'm sorry."
· Nicole Scherzinger
Song: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Slow Rumba Hell Super Edit)"
Technical Score: 25
Performance Score: 25
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (Involuntary jumping jack, gyrating ass makes first attempt to leap off body)
Comment Summary: "SULTRY. MAGNIFICENT NOUGAT COMPLEXION. WANT TO HEADBUTT. And yet the sex suffered. Don't get me wrong: You're still my ah-ooh-gah slippery womanchild. That's you. Bark, bark."
· Jake Pavelka
Song: "Never Met a Girl Like You Before (Iggy Pop Cruiseline Tango)"
Technical Score: 19
Performance Score: 19
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 2 (Playful thump)
Comment Summary: "Jakey Jake Jake. Your soul wasn't it. You've got to clean this up -- it can't be messy. WHERE ARE THE ASS-ON-FIRE TROUSERS I LENT YOU? You looked fresh out of them. Did you forget to pick them up? Easy mistake. Meow."
· Kate Gosselin
Song: "For Your Entertainent (Somnambulating Glambert Remix)"
Technical Score: 14
Performance Score: 18
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 5 (Gurgling intestinal distress, pupils rattling like jackhammers)
Comment Summary: "CLUMSY PROZAC WOMAN. You came ALIVE out there! AY YIY YIY. Slight jitterbug below the belt on my end. You showed us movement! And dancing! You're still a wretch with monster features, but ah-ooh-gah, you're a woman tonight. Never lose who you are. Well. You know what I mean!"
· Chad Ochocinco
Song: "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart (Alicia Keys Was Boring Anyway But Oh Well Here Goes a Rumba Remix Remix)"
Technical Score: 21
Performance Score: 23
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Bashes in three ribs with a proud fist, must manually keep his groin in place with a foot)
Comment Summary: "FIRST THINGS FIRST, FOOTBALL MAN: HELLO, CHERYL BURKE! A THUNDEROUS ASS BANDIT TONIGHT! Please perform a great train robbery on my torso. I surrender all cabins. Now, Chad, this was also your best dance. You kept all your lines straight. Men rarely do that. (Twisty, suggestive eyebrow.) HUH-HA! We all venture that way if the rhythm is right."
· Pamela Anderson
Song: "I Can't Make You Love Me (Older Voter Redemption Remix)"
Technical Score: 23
Performance Score: 24
Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 9 (Gyrating pelvis whaps Bergeron in the face, yells at Len Goodman and Carrie Ann Inaba to make out or he'll cry.)
Comment Summary: "Elegant. And sexy. And PAMMY-WHAMMY. And SEXROSHIMA. YES YES. (Turns into a handstand). UPSIDE DOWN IT IS SIMILAR! (Flips down.) Very refined! Very technical. Very... VROOM, LITTLE BRUNO! Thank you! Thank you! (Foam trails out of mouth and nose.)"