Dancing with the Stars Recap: Introducing the Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter

Instead of grading yesterday's Dancing with the Stars rumba/tango night using the judges' scores as a rubric, why don't we base the winning performance on what really matters? I'm talking about how close judge Bruno Tonioli came to a staggering heart attack. That's the tell of real artistry. After the jump, we revisit the nine remaining performers' routines, rate Tonioli's bodily response on a scale from 1 (inert) to 10 (meth-splattered convulsions), and reinterpret his critiques as we remembered them. We also listed the real scores for your statistical pleasure.

· Erin Andrews

Song: "Sweet Dreams are Made of This (White Woman Slow-Dance Thundermix)"

Technical Score: 18

Performance Score: 21

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Tepid patter)

Comment Summary: "PTOOEY. Pumpkin! You weren't so angelic on the toes. But mmm. Ahh. Slurp. Ankles like candy still."

· Evan Lysacek

Song: "Wait a Minute (Pussycat Rumba 7" Edit)"

Technical Score: 26

Performance Score: 26

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (Whole-body shivers, single smack of own ass)

Comment Summary: "MEOW! Tail up, kitty man! You have style. You have finesse. You have fire cat pectorals TANGY TABBY. TABBY TANGY. AHAHA! (Chews arm.)"

· Niecy Nash

Song: "Taking Chances (Rumba Naptime Mix)"

Technical Score: 18

Performance Score: 18

Bruno Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 2 (Touch of indigestion)

Comment Summary: "Ack. Bobbling funny woman. M'darling, you appeared in a trance. (Makes zombie hands.) You dance like there are mites in your clothes. (Feels own clothes). I know you have the boom-shocka tumbling milk bombs the rumba needs. But not today, m'love."

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