Say Whaaaa? Arnold Raves, Sheridan Sues, and More of the Week's Most Unbelievable Crap

So a few of us went for a smoke break and look who we brought with us: the Say Whaaaa? Singers themselves, primed to cringe and recoil in disbelief over the week's most baffling, bizarre, head-scratching and otherwise outrageous news that actually happened. Let's get to it, friends:

5. Tea Party at SAG

A conservative commentator attempted to connect the logical dots between "wealthy" actors and their supposed health-care entitlement issues and "non-wealthy" actors who stand to be devoured by the "ObamaCare Monster." Say whaaaa? Remember the fun good old days when we got all our reactionary Hollywood philosophizing from Victoria Jackson? Can we go back to that? Also, where does this leave Nicolas Cage now that he's broke? So confused.

4. The Passion of Tom Arnold

Don't you dare second-guess the actor-comedian's long hours at the rumor mill. Or actually, maybe you should if it will continue to provoke the kinds of comments like the one Arnold left right here at Movieline. "We are real friends," he wrote about his relationship with James Cameron, with whom he insists plans are stirring for a True Lies follow-up. "No one tells Jim what to do (even me) but I'd guess he'd like to do a nice character piece before jumping back into the sequel game (he's canoeing through the Brazinian [sic] rain forrest [sic] or some crazy shit right now (which apparently has Blackberry service and "has an idea" I pray that's not his revenge on all the trouble I've caused my friend...locating Arnold and me down there for a year..but we'd do it)." Say whaaaa? This dude makes the notoriously Twitilliterate John Cusack read like Herman Melville.

3. Cherry Bombshell

Nicollette Sheridan filed a $20 million lawsuit against Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry, alleging "Cherry took her aside and forcefully hit her with his hand across her face and head" when she once questioned him over a script. Say-- Hold up! There's more: Language in the suit specifically charges that "Cherry's treatment of Sheridan, including his physical assault and battery of her, occurred because he is a homosexual man and she is a heterosexual woman." Say whaaaa? Nothing to laugh at here, really, but, um, that would be a game-changer.

2. The Scott Brothers' Secondhand Lion

The funniest rumor of the week had brothers Ridley and Tony Scott reportedly wanting to assume control of MGM. Say whaaaa? Right? I mean, if the Scotts really want to stop making films, can't they just retire? They've earned it.

1. Guess Who, Don't Sue (For Real)

Movieline's hyperconnected Hollywood Kid Michael Musto irradiated the Web with this fantastic blind item: "Which Oscar-winner who broke up not that long ago I hear had sex with a transsexual -- but thoughtfully reminded her to wear two condoms?" Say whaaaa? For those of you optimistically scouring the ranks of matrimonially accursed Best Actress winners, well, needless to say, wrong category.