Previously on Lost: Desmond participates in Charles Widmore's race around the world, unsuccessfully. Desmond turns a key that causes all sorts of bad electromagnetic-related things to happen. Desmond sees flashes of the future. Desmond shouts "PEN-NAY!" to the skies, the powerful sound of his love dissipating in the island air before reaching the heavens. Desmond is locked behind a door on a submarine. Widmore dives in and out of mountainous piles of gold, Scrooge McDuck-style. Juliet whispers, "It worked," with her dying breath after detonating a bomb named after an Archie Comics character. Hurley eyes a box of Dharma Ding Dongs with lust in his eyes.
Please join us as we wake from a fevered, restless sleep and scribble some advanced mathematical equations which, when solved, provide the Answers to the Questions raised by this week's episode of everyone's favorite time-travel soap opera:
Can we get a quick CorkCheck before we get started?
The cork is: in the bottle. At least on the island. In the flash-sideways, it's possible that the cork is out of the bottle, unleashing an evil that's keeping our favorite characters from lives filled with copious love-making with their soulmates. (Regardless of cork status, Sawyer is still getting plenty of ass in his new buddy-cop reality. He seems OK with this arrangement, even if Charlotte won't take him back for another sexual sting operation.)
Wait a minute. Are you saying that the flash-sideways is actually a loveless Hell unleashed by Smokey's possible uncorking? Isn't the island Hell, according to Richard/Ricardo/Richardus?
We don't know what the flash-sideways is! Although now it seems to be a place where some people are slowly becoming aware that they've been in love with a Special Person in another time, in another place. And Richard just said that "we're all in hell on this island" business because Ben got all stabby with his god/bff, which understandably made him a little upset. Cut the guy some slack, he's an immortal without a bestie with whom to wile away eternity.
Can a simple, standard-issue hospital IV pole be used as a weapon?
Indeed, it can. Though if you're going to use it to, say, attack a shady billionaire industrialist who's plucked your from your happy life to return you to the mysterious island from which you finally escaped, you should probably try to swing it in such a way that the IV bag (filled with morphine or some other unpleasant medicinal fluid) smashes open on your target's face upon impact, stunning him long enough for you to escape. Otherwise you're just swinging a skinny metal pole, and your results may vary.
Will that ancient generator that probably hasn't been fired up in decades be ready to conduct a rushed test of incredibly powerful electromagnetic forces inside a box with nothing but two giant coils and a chair in it?
There's only one way to find out: Take a day-player, lock him inside that Ronco Showtime Electromagnetic Rotisserie Oven, and see how long it takes for the poor sucker to fry. Answer: set it, forget it, and just a few seconds later, he's cooked to a delicious, smoldering black crisp!
Naming the sacrificial, magnet-testing rabbit "Angstrom": clever or too on-the-nose?
Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse never met a middlebrow literary reference they could resist. But we'll rule on the side of clever, as John Updike's Rabbit Angstrom character also traveled through time in hopes of being reunited with his true love.
What will happen to Desmond if he doesn't sit inside the magnetic death-box that nuked Widmore's unfortunate red-shirt?
If you believe Widmore, everyone will die, and everything that Desmond's ever cared about will be gone forever. But it doesn't matter, because he's going to lock Desmond inside the box whether he's willing to potentially sacrifice himself or not. Hume is, after all, the only person who's survived a catastrophic electromagnetic event.
Is flash-sideways, preggers Claire's baby going to be a boy or a girl?
Desmond bets it's a boy. But he's probably cheating by using his future-seeing powers to make that guess.
Why is George the Driver so eager to get Desmond laid?
He's just doing what any good flunky would do while entertaining someone "important," but mostly he's thrilled he's not bleeding to death from a fatal bout of the Time Travel Plague on a suicide-barge loaded up with explosives. (His solicitous driver character is obviously an homage to the late, great Bruno Kirby's work as the motormouth chauffeur in This Is Spinal Tap.)
Now that we've brought up Fisher Stevens, is it time for the obligatory Short Circuit joke?
No way. That dude has an Oscar now. He's earned a reprieve from cheap Johnny Five gags.
If Daniel Faraday Widmore, now Charles' son in the flash-sideways, is such a genius musical visionary, why does he think combining classical music with rock is such an original idea in 2004?
One of the unexpected consequences of Jughead's detonation forever altered the musical landscape; for example, prog-rock never evolved in this reality, neoclassical-hair-metal shredder Yngwie Malmsteen went to Swedish medical school instead of picking up a Stratocaster, and Metallica opted to perform with a 40-piece polka band instead of the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra back in 1999. Rock history's a fragile thing once you start playing around with time travel.
If self-destructive-junkie-flash-sideways Charlie were to give a speech to Desmond about what it's like to meet your True Love, what might that sound like?
It would probably involve a revelation about trying to swallow a bag of heroin in an airplane bathroom, and, as that bag became lodged in his throat because of some inopportune turbulence, he sees some hot blonde chick, whom he knows from somewhere, and he knows they're together somehow, and they've always been together and always will be together, but then right as he's about to choke to death on that baggie of horse, some sodding idiot brings him back to life. Also, he might throw in something about secretly being the father of Claire's skullbaby, if Desmond doesn't make a flip comment about writing a song about his brush with love.
When Charlie grabs the wheel of Desmond's car, why doesn't Desmond just step on the brake, instead of allowing the Charlie to steer it into the harbor?
Because if they didn't submerge that car underwater, how would we get that amazing scene where a drowning Charlie presses his palm against the window, flashing us back to his sacrificial death in Season 3 when he wrote NOT PENNY'S BOAT on his hand in Sharpie, giving us a mind-blowing moment of convergence between the flash-sideways and the island realities?
Do you think that Desmond's maybe a tiny bit tired of always having to save Charlie from the machinations of a universe that clearly wants him dead?
It's probably getting a bit tedious, but anything's better than sitting in a bunker and typing numbers into a computer every 108 minutes. Especially when that computer's too old to even play Tetris in between his data entry duties.
How whipped is Widmore that he seems terrified at the prospect of telling flash-sideways wife Eloise that Desmond failed to deliver Drive Shaft for Little Danny's charity concert?
Hey, this is a woman who killed her own son a couple of seasons back. Even though she shrugged off the Drive Shaft disappointment this time (eh, she's never been a fan), who knows how that insane harpy's going to react? She could go nuts and bust up that prized sailboat model in his office again. Better to get her what she wants than risk the consequences.
You mean how she went off on Desmond for asking to see the "confidential" guest list for her charity event?
Exactly! Cross her, and the next thing you know she's making ominous pronouncements about "violations" and "not being ready" and giving threatening orders to STOP LOOKING for things you don't understand. She's got a hair-trigger, that one. And she knows things. [circles finger slowly around temple, makes cuckoo noises]
What's all that crazy scribbling in Daniel's dream journal?
He has no idea, he's just a simple musician with a dream of putting a middling rock band on stage with a string section. But his nerd friends tell him he's filled it up with some super-advanced quantum physics equations that only someone with a lifetime of study would be able to understand. And that when solved, these equations reveal that he's supposed to nail the cute redhead who works in the museum and keeps teasing him by seductively eating chocolate bars. Science!
If a strange, wild-eyed man approached you late at night in an empty stadium where you were exercising, would you a) immediately blow your rape whistle, hoping to catch the attention of a security guard or other passer-by; b) mace/taser him when he invaded your personal space; c) shake his hand, placing yourself in peril if this seemingly charming guy was actually a psychotic killer who preys on women in isolated places?
"a," then "b." But if he has a Scottish accent, then "c." If he's a killer, why would he bother coming all the way to Los Angeles from Scotland? Seems like there would be plenty of victims for him back home without the hassle of murdering internationally.
But what do you do if the guy suddenly faints upon shaking your hand?
You agree to a coffee date for that same night. He's obviously so taken with you that he can't possibly be dangerous. And should he try anything funny on your date, at least there will be a barista around to scald him with hot espresso.
Does a driver have access to the passenger manifests for a commercial airline?
He does if he's the obsequious driver for an inscrutable billionaire's favorite fixer. Maybe it's better to think of him as the Concierge of the Seemingly Impossible.
After George says he can get him the manifest, does Desmond say, "I want to show him something," or "I want to show them something"?
He's too mumbly to determine the word, even after several attempts on the DVR. It it's "him," does he mean he wants to show something to Charlie about the hot blonde dreamgirl he saw while choking on his drugs? If it's "them," does he want to show it to everyone on the list? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK AND WE MAY FIND OUT THE SECRETS OF THE SECRET OCEANIC 815 PASSENGER LIST!
We miss Michael. Is he coming back?
Waaaaaallllllttttt! (Yes, according to the "scenes from upcoming episodes.")
Who's got the copy of Booty Babes?
Ben still hasn't returned it to the library tent. And Hurley's getting pissed. A guy can only meet his needs with comic books so many times before even the bustiest, spandex-clad superheroines won't do it for him anymore. Stopping hogging the porn, bro!
Seriously though. The Short Circuit guy really has an Oscar?
You go save some dolphins, and then you can come back here and bring up the movie where the cute robot comes alive after it's hit by lightning, OK, wise guy? We already told you to lay off.