Last night's soul/R&B challenge on American Idol was secretly the toughest round in the competition. In a game where adult judges mock teen contestants for seeming old-fashioned, "soul" music felt like a set-up for Idol disasters. Hear this: Soul is not a hot-seller on the Billboard Hot 100. Hip-hop, pop and some R&B are always represented, sure, but never soul -- not since the heyday of Lauryn Hill and D'Angelo. Therefore, the 10 remaining contestants had to choose soul standards carefully in order to seem relevant, but still, only a few earned Simon's saucy wink of approval. We rank their performances worst to first after the jump.
10. Tim Urban, "Sweet Love"
Soon Tim will just respond to the judges' weekly insults with hilarious confessions. "I didn't even mean to join the competition!" he'll exclaim. "I work at Quizno's and walked in the wrong door. See you in the final two!" Applause! His votes triple! Embarrassing vocals are forgotten and replaced with cartoon hearts sent from America's groin. The man whose singing sometimes approaches "in tune" isn't getting better; he's just limiting his bleakness to a dinkier range. He's cute, he's McFly and he's untalented. Let's try not to make him the American Idol, guys.
9. Casey James, "Hold On, I'm Comin'"
Once every three weeks, I'm a practicing Casey James zealot. I deck my dreamboard in paisley, rate the all-Americanness of his rockabilly grin (9.7 out of 10 at last count), and adore his consistent vocals. During the other two weeks, I remember that Casey is desperately static. Who told this wheaten-haired troubadour that we care about a nondescript '60s soul number? Or his electric guitar? There's no need for Hendrix-style riffs when Rickey Minor books 300 guitarists, banjoists, back-up shriekers and capuchin monkeys for every performance. Unfortunately, in his own sad way, Casey outdid himself this week -- he delivered his most forgettable performance yet.
8. Katie Stevens, "Chain of Fools"
Get this: Katie Stevens chose an overplayed standard. "Chain of Fools" requires only a big voice and an iota of self-possession for success. Whoops: Guess which of those ingredients Katie forgot to pick up at Limited Too. Ms. Stevens has a fine voice, but she's pointless in this competition compared to the inventive Crystal Bowersox or the nervy Lee DeWyze. We're looking at a girl who expects pitch alone to vault her skyward. So, my bad -- maybe she does have a lot of nerve.
7. Didi Benami, "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?"
The judges love to play dumb about Didi Benami's marketability, as if she's not an achingly vulnerable improvement upon the 2-D Colbie Caillats and Zooey Deschanels of 2010. But tonight Didi stumbled several pegs, choosing a song that both exemplifies the word "dated" (what other song smacks of "Wonder Years flashback" like this ode to heartbreak?) and miscasts her as a fogy. She'd have fared better by slowing it down and allowing her lonely bleat some room to linger, but instead, we witnessed as she labored to keep up with the tune's punchy soul. Didi's in jeopardy tonight for sure, but she's just too rich a performer -- and much steelier than her oft-compared predecessor Brooke White -- to leave now. Did you love when Usher called her song choice "an emotional song for an emotional girl?" That sounded like not-so-subtle code for "a Prozac anthem for a quivering young lady who might cry herself to death."
6. Siobhan Magnus, "Through the Fire"
Yet another brazen star who biffed! Siobhan's our glue-loving Narnian countess 'til the bitter end, but she's got to polish her disappointing lower register and played-out caterwaul to remain a Top 3 sure bet. I hated to see the judges deflate her with unanimously negative observations, but this week is beneficial for Ms. Magnus. She'll return with a fully formed performance and an inspired selection, and hopefully unicorn-ride tickets for everyone in the audience. The flight for glorious Neptune takes off in six days' time! We're aboard!
5. Aaron Kelly, "Ain't No Sunshine"
Confession: I thought "Ain't No Sunshine" was one of Kris Allen's least impressive performances in season eight. Here, in the boneless hands of Fetus the Magnificent, "Ain't No Sunshine" felt just as stillborn. (Yow!) Lucky for us, Kelly kept his torso spasms to a minimum, which was my life's chief complaint. His performance ultimately scored a few points above par thanks to momentary soulfulness and cutely clenched fists. It almost resembled command of the stage. You woo us from the womb, zesty 0-year-old!
4. Andrew Garcia, "Forever"
In retrospect, an Andrew Garcia comeback was inevitable. He sings well and strums neatly. He's well-humored. And he's not a pox on humanity like Katie Stevens. Last night, Andrew chose the most current number of the night, Chris Brown's "Forever" (which isn't close to soul, if we're being serious), but in comparison to the night's resounding oldness, Andrew seemed urgent and new. The specter of his revered "Straight Up" performance is disappearing in its bandleader jacket and leggings.
3. Michael Lynche, "Ready for Love"
Playing off the edge he earned from cooing Kate Bush's/Maxwell's "This Woman's Work," schmaltz-monger Michael Lynche reined it in for a restrained take on the little-known India.Arie track. This guy's love-obsessive soul vibe still isn't marketable (nor is India.Arie's! Her only chart hit, "Video," was acoustic pop! Look it up.), but Michael shined during the week he needed it most. Just wish we could've, um, SEEN him through that Who Wants to be a Millionaire lighting plan.
2. Crystal Bowersox, "Midnight Train to Georgia"
My dreadlocks be droopin'! Crystal "I Respectfully Appreciate When You Declare Me the Uncontested Champion, Simon" Bowersox trips from first place with her version of Gladys Knight and the Pips' low-down soul anthem. Vocally, she dazzled, but the problem with the performance occurred (as Simon noted) within the transition from piano bench to front-and-center. Crystal is simply more comfortable with a guitar, and I lamented her absentee Lucille during "Midnight Train." I approve of the risk-taking, but I also expect her six-stringed sidekick and Peppermint Patty Birkenstocks to come-along-back next week.
1. Lee DeWyze, "Treat Her Like a Lady"
I don't feel good about this. Lee's performance of the dated Temptations track had its pitch problems, but the BB gun-toting outlaw let loose more than any other performer. A revelation -- especially since Lee is almost always petrified, closing his eyes and counting to 11 right in front of us. Not only did this performance serve as an antidote to the stiffness of other contestants like Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, and Didi Benami ("winner mortis," if you will), it served as a redeeming force to Lee's underwhelming Idol tenure. Well howled, my good grizzly.