It has only been four days since TLC acquired Sarah Palin's Alaska and already another Alaskan pseudo-celebrity is screeching into Hollywood to pitch his own reality show set in the Last Frontier. The new wannabe star is Levi Johnston -- Playgirl centerfold, pistachio spokesman, and Palin's grandbaby daddy -- who is hawking his own project from the back of an RV (really, an RV). But unlike Palin's pitch, which benefited from the input of seasoned reality expert Mark Burnett, Levi's pitch lacks focus. And since I'd rather watch Levi offer politically incorrect commentary on, well, anything, than see Palin tour a gold mine, hopefully Johnston will consider a few suggestions, free of charge.
1. Levi & Tank
Like MTV's hit Rob & Big, this half-hour series puts bromance to the test for unlikely best friends Johnston and Johnston's bodyguard/manager Tank Jones.
Sample episode: After the boys spend a lazy Saturday watching what they think is the Back to the Future trilogy (it is actually a commercial-interrupted showing of Kate & Leopold), Levi and Tank decide to build a time travel machine using a snowmobile, a can of Skoal and a deck of Uno cards. When the experiment fails, the boys find solace in a gravity bong.
2. Undercover Hoss
Levi Johnston may just be an electrician's apprentice but he favors himself a modern cowboy able to wrangle any situation that crosses his path. In this weekly reality show, watch as Johnston goes incognito as an entry-level hire to solve problems for major corporations.
Sample episode: When Johnston goes undercover at Pizza Hut, he realizes that employees suffer low morale and work in an unsafe environment after incurring a first degree burn from a scalding meat lover's pizza. By the end of the episode, Johnston convinces the company to offer health packages for part-time employees and the Book It! program for high school dropouts.
3. Johnston of Love
This competition-driven dating series will feature 49 women, all willing to subject themselves to humiliating challenges for the chance to win the single father's heart.
Sample episode: With only 36 girls remaining, Levi, a lifelong hunter, decides to test the aim of his potential love interests with toy-gun target practice. Emotions run high when one girl's deadly allergy to Nerf foam lands her in the hospital and Levi dozes off mid-competition.
4. Alaska's Got Talent
Levi Johnston finds the most talented singers, magicians, comedians and dog sledders in the Last Frontier and lures them onstage to perform and be viciously judged by himself, Alaskan/singer-songwriter Jewel and special guest judge Howie Mandel.
Sample episode: Jewel, Howie and Levi assess the North Pole's local talent, granting a "You betcha" to the town's only female comedian and the doomed "You don't betcha!" to the rest of the performers, including boy band 'N Sytka.
Bonus Drama Pitch: Johnston & Johnston
This primetime medical procedural features Levi Johnston in double roles as a surgeon and a rogue detective who fight grisly crimes in Alaska.
Sample episode: When frozen body parts start turning up all over Wasilla, Johnston goes on an undercover serial killer hunt that leads him through the colorful world of dog sled racing to a disc jockey with a checkered past. Meanwhile, Johnston attempts to reattach as many of the frozen body parts to victims as possible, making him an unwitting target for the Wasilla's serial killer.
And if these don't work out, the answer is: "Yes, Levi will take anything that Guy Fieri turns down."