Color(block) me shocked: This challenge ruled. Tim Gunn raised his forefather arm in the air, waved it over the dowdy Gettysburg crowd, and deployed a fabulous assignment that would stun even a hardcore fashionista like Ambrose Burnside. Ready for the glam?
At the top of the hour, Jonathan bemoans the loss of Amy Sarabi, who filled our lives with giggles, boobs covered in hair extensions, and other Easter treats. I miss her too. Amy had a sincere chance of making the Top 3 awhile ago, but ultimately her bangs weren't square enough for this year's consideration. Oh, Louise Black, you were a year off.
On the runway, Heidi tells the designers that they're going to meet Tim backstage, and he'll have another little friend with him. Seth Aaron cracks a joke about the mystery guest being a "Pocket elf," but he should've said something about pocket elves with a knack for product placement, because every guest so far has had multiple wares to shill.
The Challenge
Oh, look! Tim's hanging out with designer Vivienne Tam! She seems short and innocent enough.
"Designers," Tim says. "I'm proud to introduce Vivi--"
"HEWLETT PACKARD COMPUTERS is the name," Vivienne says. "YOU HAVE ONE, DESIGNERS? THEY'RE MY FAVORITE. Looky here. I brought along an H.P. Just looking at one is a real day-changer. H.P.: THE FRESH-MAKER!"
The designers shoot knowing glances all over the room. Just as Vivienne starts crowing about how "personal" HP has made the personal computer ("I SING TO MINE," I believe she said.), Tim introduces one of the greatest challenges in recent memory: The remaining contestants must design their own print using HP's magnificent TouchSmart program. Then, someone off-screen will magically turn that into fabric. Don't question, just do, everyone!
The Workroom
The seven remaining contenders work those touchscreens like Vanna White during a particularly vowel-heavy hour. Jonathan immediately goes for that "nicely detailed 'n mostly boring" aesthetic again, sketching viscous blobs and rendering it all in a color suitable for aged linens. Mila calmly explains to the camera that she was just introduced to colors for the first time last week, and thus she's not sure how to proceed. Her solution: Draw horizontal, watercolor-resembling lines of orange, green, red, yellow, and black the way a toddler conceives a rainbow. It looks like a Children's Hospital logo. That's the kind of joy she achieves.
Emilio has a few things to explain: 1) He doesn't have to listen to Tim Gunn. 2) He doesn't have to take off his train conductor hat, and choo-choo to the naysayers. 3) His print says "E. SOSA," his name. It does not look that way, and Tim Gunn points it out.
Maya is fixated on winning a damn challenge, because she's sure the judges think she's a gaffer who makes a habit of wandering into frame. She conceives a deliciously neon, line-y orange print over a black backdrop. Seth Aaron has no time to explain his look, because he's in the middle of creating eleven different outfits for consideration, and he bought just enough nails to complete only seven of them. His great-grandkids will lose their rose-colored visions of his work ethic, to be sure. Anthony draws out something that's purple and fine, and he makes a season-defining comment about Jonathan's bland design.
"I don't really care for Jonathan's look. It's really pale. Then when you look at the colors, they're really pale. And then Jonathan's really pale. i just want to take a bucket of paint and throw it at that side of the room. Because it's all pay-el as hay-el."
Who else started hurling Tanya Tucker-themed valentines at the screen? It was like a three-point shootout for me. Anyway: Let's see how this mess played out in front of Nina, Michael, Vivienne "I need a cigarette after the time I just had with my HP" Tam, and Heidi.
The Runway
Mila bombs this challenge with a blast that would send J. Robert Oppenheimer back to Algebra AB. With her Crayola Washable-streaked pattern, she fashions a long, thick, canvas-like dress that would look at home -- like, lived there for its entire adult life -- on The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour. Worse, Mila had the nerve to blame her model Brandice for picking up the massive dress with her hands while she walked in it. Mila, if you design a fucking papier-mache fortress for a little girl to wear, she might do physical labor to make it work. Get the delusion out of your bangs.
Seth Aaron's outfit is loud, loud, loud, and fabulous. He creates a marvelous pop-art print -- very Liechtenstein -- on a goddamn blazer. This one really blazes. Topped off with a sharp, extra-zippered trouser and a gold tie, this look proves how unstoppable and consummately inspired this man is. He's still my pick to win it all.
Anthony's subtle purple print and generic black silk don't make for a runway triumph. His attempt to add interest in the torso with crosshatching is unsuccessful, and the lame shrug he finished the garment with solidifies this as a deserving bottom-three entry.
Maya's look is a true original: Her electric orange print wraps the sides of her short dress while a fluffy three-dimensional fixture pops on the torso. It's loud, but Michael Kors's bitching is regularly louder than the mid-flight Concorde. Remember that challenge when the Concorde couldn't get in a word edgewise? Embarrassing for the Concorde.
Emilio's print perplexed Tim at first, who thought it was a homo-rific tribute to Seth Aaron's initials, but the runway look is quite chic. The print dominates the visuals, and it's a kicky little number that's cocktail-ready. But there's no way he can win. Right?
Jonathan is obsessed with the quietness of his fabric, but it gets so quiet that it becomes a library of yawns. It's a milky gray print with weird bubbles and undulations that you only see in the close-up. It's like The Yellow Wallpaper. If you stare hard enough, you see throbbing eyes and children vomiting in the print, and your husband chains you to the bed while you recover from your "tiredness" disease. But then you trap him at the door when he comes back, and because you're an unreliable narrator, you might have killed him. We all read this story, right? Anyway. Not a hot fabric. And props to 12th-grade English.
With little fanfare, Heidi announces that Emilio is the winner. Come. On. Seth Aaron weaved a six-piece suit that will give Michigan J. Frog a haughty Upper East Side fanbase for generations. It was stunning. Maya made a delicious little frock too. Emilio made a nice print and just stapled it to every dress you've ever seen. Rage on, readers. But wait, the hits play on: Mila is not even considered for bottom two consideration, even though Cher nonchalantly threw her dress at Gregg Allman during a confrontation in the Lambourghini in '85. Instead, Jonathan and Anthony round out the lose-iest losers, and Anthony is dismissed! What! Outrage! Our Sugarbaker Sharpshooter! There's not a minute to lose: Our interview with Anthony is coming -- and it will allay your doubts about God existing, or at least not being as fabulously Agnes Moorehead-like as Tim Gunn wants. Coming up!