This morning, Movieline regretfully reported that after The Hills' upcoming sixth season, the MTV standby will join a pantheon of television shows canceled long before their time like Sports Night, Arrested Development and Guiding Light. But instead of thinking about the fauxality-free nights in our future, Movieline pays homage to The Hills cast members who have given us some of the best nights of carefully-staged MTV drama of our lives and the sleazy men who have earned each of our heroines' digitally inserted tears.
After the jump, Movieline time travels back to 2006, when a pre-op Heidi used something called "free will" to navigate a Spencer-less Hills and Lauren taught impressionable teenage girls that it's alright to sacrifice your career for boys with drunk-driving records.
Season 1: Sacrificing Yourself For Boys and Fame
Ahhhh, the first season of The Hills. Lauren had finally extricated herself from her Laguna Beach womb and was on the road to independence for about two seconds before hitching her cart to the first sleazy dude to cross her path, Jason Wahler, who had coincidentally slept with at least three of her acquaintances back home. Pre-op, pre-Spencer Heidi dropped out of college, started a career in event planning and cherished her friendship with Lauren. Audrina mooned over bands at Epic Records and a bleached blond Whitney nabbed the Paris internship that Lauren passed up on, cementing her reputation as the "most career-focused" Hills personality.
Useless Boyfriend of the Season: Jason Wahler, who followed LC to Los Angeles only to cheat on her and then miraculously convince her to forfeit a once-in-a-lifetime internship at Teen Vogue so that she could spend the summer wondering if he had returned to his cheating ways.
Token Deadweight Boyfriend: Wahler faced his sixth alcohol-related arrested last week and admitted to People, "I'm embarrassed as hell, but I really do not remember my arrests. They're blackouts. And that's scary."
Season 2: Speidi Is Born
It was 2007, Heidi had still not undergone major reconstructive surgery and an opportunistic friend of Brody Jenner's named Spencer was worming his way into The Hills. Lauren realized the error of her first season ways and broke up with Jason and started dating Brody. Heidi faced a pregnancy scare and decided to throw Lauren a joint birthday/"I'm Sorry I'm Dumping You For MTV's Devil Incarnate" party. Whitney tripped during a modeling segment for Good Morning America and interviewed for a Teen Vogue position in NYC. Audrina moved in with Lauren and vacantly stared into the camera for months on end.
Token Deadweight Boyfriend: Spencer Pratt, who actually asked Audrina out first (she shut him down) before romancing Heidi when he was not flirting with Playmates. Despite Lauren's please, Heidi moved in with Spencer by the end of the season.
Where Is He Now? Pratt was reportedly banned from set for six weeks after threatening to kill a Hills producer who asked him to do something he objected to. It happens!
**Season 3: Sex Tape Saga
Rumors of a Lauren Conrad-Jason Wahler abounded in this third and tragic season of The Hills, in which more and more episodes took place at Hollywood events like uh, the Young Hollywood event, a Young Hollywood party and a Declare Yourself event, where a freshly augmented and rhinoplastied Heidi defended her dangerous, co-dependent relationship to Lauren. LC bought a house with Lo, broke Brody's heart by dating a Teen Vogue model and became friends with Stephanie Pratt. Whitney struggled to supervise interns. Audrina made the first of many bad decisions to get back together with her greasy-haired ex, Justin Bobby.
Token Deadweight Boyfriend: Spencer Pratt, who fake-proposed to Heidi and flew to Colorado to meet her parents, only to reveal a few episodes later that he hadn't told his told his parents about the fake engagement. At the end of the season, Spencer surprised Heidi in Vegas, where he successfully convinced her not to take that next step in her career because that would hurt their relationship.
Where Is He Now? See page 2.
Season 4: Lauren's Long Goodbye
It was a season of tears for LC, who engaged in low-energy disagreements with her housemate Audrina and paused nearly every episode to reflect on her next step. Whitney split her time between New York and LA. Spencer continued to sabotage Heidi's life by verbally harassing her, her family and her friends. Speidi married twice -- first in a Cabo elopement and the second time in an MTV-funded finale ceremony. Meanwhile, Audrina impressed young viewers with her remarkably low self-esteem by getting back together with Smarm King Justin Bobby.
Token Deadweight Boyfriend: Justin Bobby! This is the endless cycle that Justin Bobby and Audrina created for themselves: Justin bails on Audrina, Audrina sulks to a cast member while clothes shopping, Audrina goes on a spite-date, Justin calls Audrina pissed, Justin and Audrina make out in Audrina's pool. Repeat. At one point, Justin was rumored to have hooked up with Lauren and Audrina alleged that Justin "bared his soul" to her, but viewers found no evidence of either event happening.
Where Is He Now? Who knows. Ryan Cabrera, Audrina's current flame, has joined The Hills for its sixth and final season so either Justin Bobby is out of the picture or he is cruising the PCH looking for new Hills tail to scam.
Season 5: The B*tch is Back
Kristen Cavallari, the boyfriend-thief from Laguna Beach, nobly agreed to replace Lauren during the show's fifth iteration. For the first time in MTV history, the network staged a complicated love pentagon between Kristen, Brody, Justin Bobby, Jayde and Audrina, who spent most of her time on camera cruising Melrose for "cute tops." Lo was only contractually obligated to appear onscreen if she was offering half-hearted advise to Audrina. And Jayde, the Playboy Playmate dating Brody, captured Movieline's heart. Heidi pretended she wanted children for the sake of generating weekly tabloid covers and Spencer harassed the couple's darling mixed-race neighbor Enzo.
Token Deadweight Boyfriend: Brody Jenner. Sorry, Brody. It was a close call between you and Justin Bobby (Spencer is dead to us after flirting with Stacie the bartender) and honestly, Justin stepped up his game last season by pretending to cook Kristen dinner. Meanwhile, Brody flirted with women other than his loving girlfriend Jayde and made her cry at the juvenile-themed birthday party she threw for him.
Where Is He Now? Allegedly getting cozy with Avril Lavigne. Please MTV, can we trade in Brody and get more Jayde in the last season?